Well you know I have been gone a while and I really need to stop disappearing even if I am failing. I get discouraged because I feel like who wants to read about someone always failing. I mean come on now. Anyway win or lose I have to stick to this blog stuff for myself.
Last night proved to be very interesting when I go home. I receive a test from my best friend asking me not wanting her to be my Myfitnesspal friend. It all started back with the following text:
Awhile back you made a statement about losing weight like “maybe I’ll do something and not tell anyone.” Now I’m on myfitnesspal and Ana is on myfitnesspal we may have gotten in your way. Want us to not be your friend on there?
Ok so that took me through a loop and I started thinking and scrambling when did I tell her that, oh no did she get wind of my blog before I was ready to share. The blog and my FB group is the only place I have mentioned not wanting to tell anyone about trying to make a lifestyle change. I go into straight panic mode. I start thinking man do I tell her I am kicking off my friend list? Then I thought does that make any sense you haven’t been on there in like 2 or 3 months now. Then I thought when you get back on the horse are you going to speak with the freedom you have in the past? Well to make the long story short I told her Ana was not my friend on myfitnesspal and that I was fine she was my friend on myfitnesspal and I haven’t been using in a while. That when I return I will explain to the ladies what’s going on and that I would return sometime soon. I also explained I may say some things on there she may not understand. She said that was fair.
That is why she is my best friend because she has always been there for me and she doesn’t judge me. I think that is what I find the most important in our friendship she doesn’t judge me at all. She is understanding and her talking to me about the MFP last night proved it and her understanding I may have needed to have that on my own and she would not intrude. I have to admit that I feel better about her not knowing about the blog right now. Right now the blog and the FB group is just mine another avenue for me to talk and speak freely but with people I think truly understands this big girls struggle. By no means do I say she doesn’t have her own struggles since she is trying to lose a few pounds as well but I think people tend to grasp the feeling of the girl that is more than 250lbs. How we feel when we are in a workout setting, when we sit at a booth, when we want to do something but just right now it is a bit much for us. Instead of being told making excuses, no commitment, if something is done a certain way we will fail.
It was all sort of out of the blue to me and seemed triggered but she says because seems like haven’t been on since she became my MFP friend. I have been thinking about this journey and ALL the failures I have had. I have thought about how do I get back on and how do I turn these failures into success. I am ashamed to say that I joined the walk a mile a day challenge and was only able to complete the 1st week and not a full 7 days but a work week. I also joined the group to say one thing positive about yourself daily and I couldn’t even come up with that. Every day I would think of something but I would find the reason as to why it was not positive but weak and or stupid.
I have started to think that this is part of the issue or the issue this deep sense of not being worthy to be admired or appreciated by others. This almost well maybe I should stand tall and believe that as a big girl people don’t treat you differently, that clothes makers make beautiful affordable clothes for you. Yea that was a nice dream but people do treat big girls differently and clothes makers feel an affordable outfit for a plus girl is what $100 to $150 for one item. People say things like she is pretty for a big girl, that outfit does slim you down. We are not treated equally and am I being a martyr and saying oh no you will treat me the same, but I know it is a losing battle. In this venture it is better to conform. Well not really I want to conform and I want to conform for my own selfish reasons. I want to wear pinup clothing, I want to look hot in lingerie, I don’t want to look like I am 6 months pregnant , and just maybe my back will hurt less and my feet wouldn’t be in pain all the time. Whatever It is I have to figure this out I feel like time is running out.
