Just take the 1st Step

Breathe, Breathe… I can’t believe I actually decided to take a step towards trying to live a better life style. Now I must admit this week will not be my official start date, although I signed up for work a challenge. At my company there is a challenge to live a healthier lifestyle and we have 6 months to hit our targets we have set for ourselves, people can win a $1000. I am in no way trying to win the $1000 because I did not make leaps and bound commitments for the next 6 months. We had 4 categories which were nutrition/eating well, manage stress, exercise/fitness, and endurance athlete. I selected 3 categories which were nutrition/eating well, manage stress, and exercise/fitness. Here is what I wrote I wanted to do over the next 6 months.
My goal is to just be active and begin the process to get into shape. I will play my Kinect doing the Zumba exercise at least 3 times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes. This will also mean that I will incorporate better eating habits, meaning portion control and having water in my diet, starting out with 33 ounces of water and working to 66 by the end of the 6 months. I will strive to lose 20 pounds with these minor changes. With these targets it will help reduce my stress because it will allow me to think of myself so that in the end I can be better for others.
We will have 4 checks and the last one is in March so two months before my birthday. I am saying this will not be my official start date because I have plans that will start this off all wrong. I want to start new next week with this; this challenge is to start of little. Many of my peers have signed up and they made their own goals. My best friend knows I signed up, shoot I sent her the email that says she should sign up too. She doesn’t know what my goals are but I told her the categories I did. I am sitting here thinking what is going to make this different, you say this all the time and nothing changes. Your post the other day was about talk is cheap, this again is cheap talk. I am really hoping and what I need to be doing is praying that this is not yet again cheap talk.
Ok Y’all wish me luck and if you pray, pray that I lift myself up and support myself like I do in other aspects in my life. I can do this and it is ok for the journey to be slow and long!!

I am attaching my profile pic I loaded for the work challenge; I don’t have a measuring tape at work so I don’t have my measurements but we will be able to see if there is any difference over the next 6 months. Plus here is to more blog post!

They say Talk is Cheap (written 10/2/12)

So…. I decided to get on the scale on Monday just to see how terrible the damage is that I have done with not eating right or any exercise. I am proud I did not turn into an emotional ball when I got on and then back off the scale. Well you may be wondering well heffa what is the number you saw. The number was 293.2. I went to look at 6/17th and saw my weight then was 288.8 so I have gained 5lbs truly, so I told myself not to bad right. The more the day went on I kept reminding myself girl that s only 6.8lbs away from 300. NO I have not done any more exercise besides those days I went walking with my best friend in the gym at work. I must say it was really nice to spend just a little time with her. Who knew friendships were so crucial. I miss my FB ladies and actually being on MFP although I haven’t had the courage go back just yet out of pure shame!! Then yesterday I made a post on my regular FB and it was totally about a man that drives me crazy and had a conversation with a friend from high school about it and somehow it turned into working out and losing weight. Weird it was needed but it was snuck up on me and I felt a little bit refreshed when we finished talking. The first step is just making small changes like just working out for 30 minutes every day. I mean do things that are fun so it isn’t a workout like for me it’s Zumba and just dancing. I stood in line for hours to get a Kinect and I need to play it, I really like it. I know I know you are saying if you like it so much why are you not playing, that is the million dollar question; there is the excuse of being tired and school right? Well here is the kicker I check my FB every morning and one of the first post I see clearly as I open my eyes is this: If you really want it, you will work for it and when you do you will have it! Talk is cheap, stick to what you say you’re going to do and do it for once! After a while excuses get old…my opinion! J Stay strong! So it was posted by a woman that runs a boot camp from her home and I went one time with my best friend and almost died. I felt a stick in my heart when I read that this morning because I felt she was talking to me and only me. Talk is cheap I keep saying I want to be able to shop in the smaller stores, I keep saying I want people to look at me and see a good looking woman, etc. Granted I am not fit for any boot camp and for sure not ready to go to one. Like I said try explaining that to your friends when all they say is that you are making excuses, it’s not excuses but I have limitations at this point. What struck a chord with me is that yes I will not be running any marathons, running 5Ks, or doing a boot camp class. I can though stop the cheap talk and walk, dance with my dance central game, Zumba I have the game, attempt to do a sit up, or cut back on the portions. I don’t have to go all crazy lady and throw all my food out of the pantry and stop eating bread, pasta, or sugar cold turkey. I can say it is ok that I am fat and that it is ok that it may take me 6 months to lose like 30lbs or even 3 months to lose 10lbs. Then the day just gets better, this afternoon I log onto FB and for some reason I see a post from my cousin saying FB stop changing how we few pictures, so that prompted me to go to my photos to see what she was talking about. I didn’t see anything different but decided to look through the photos I was tagged in. I found a high school picture (I was “fat” then too well according to high school standards because this girl was not a 2 or a 6) and I was sitting in a chair and my legs were actually crossed. What?!! I can’t remember the last time I had my legs crossed like knee over knee type stuff. Then that had me think about this past weekend shopping and the struggle have putting on socks and shoes because my belly and breast all in the way. Ugh
It all starts with a step and the important part is that I keep trying! I am going to keep trying, I am not ready to completely give up on myself, I have proven what was said on FB this morning about getting my associates and now I am working on my bachelors, so I can do things like walk the walk. Now let’s do this for me like getting my degree.

Slow Return

have been gone awhile and I have no excuse as to why. I have to answer to myself on why I haven’t stayed on track to make myself a better person. I know a part of my struggle is why will losing weight make me a better person, am I not a good person, a good woman? I know people try to convince me that people don’t treat me differently because I am a big girl, but I know that is not the truth, but then again are they right so why should I lose the weight?
Now let me stop tripping and be honest with myself. I walked in to work this morning and I can see my reflection in the windows and I tell you all I could focus on was my duck waddle walk and the belly that is sticking out like an 8 month pregnant woman. I am 36, single and fat. I wish I could say I was a proud fat woman but as you know that is a lie. I would be happier if I didn’t have a muffin top no if I didn’t have the pregnant belly. So many other things are stable in my life like work and home and I even managed to graduate with my Associate’s degree, but I can’t seem to tackle losing this weight and getting the 1st 20 then the next so forth and so on. My goals have been to look at it as 10lbs each time. I couldn’t even get the ten pounds.
Now looking back at last week I actually got on the treadmill three days last week for 30mintues walking and nothing fast because my hips and knees begin to hurt. I started walking at a 1.8 speed so that I could read these articles for school (working on my bachelor’s now). I tell you that felt great to be able to read what I needed while on the treadmill, I thought no excuse now stay at work another 30 minutes daily to exercise and read homework would be fantastic. My excuse before is when I get off work, commute home, I have homework to do so to take another 30 minutes from my night that is quickly approaching midnight to exercise seemed cruel to me. The sad thing is I can’t read my actual text book on my phone so I am bummed and I haven’t tried printing pages and reading while on the treadmill although I can see me getting lost in the text the more I read down, instead of being able to scroll it up for me to view better. I even went to an Aerial Yoga class, which was totally my idea after hearing about it on the Hello Style YouTube Channel the series Big Girl in a Skinny World. When I tell you it was crazy and embarrassing but fun all at the same time. I was embarrassed because every step of the way I needed help, I couldn’t swing my leg over the hammock, and I could lift my leg high enough behind me to put in the hammock and the list goes on. I think at this time I am to unfit and too big to be fooling with aerial yoga. I can’t say I will never do it again because it was a challenge that wasn’t way over the top for me.
I haven’t been eating right that is for sure.

****Alert*** of the emotional eater I am starts here. On Tuesday 9/25 I was up late on FB after trying to do some reading for school and someone posted a video from YouTube titled Fat women are Nasty!! The people commenting were all in arms and upset over the video and had some very colorful things to say about this video. I should have took heed to the comments and not hit play to see what all the talk was about because I knew by the title and the things that were people said. No I wanted to punish myself who was feeling vulnerable already. I sat and watched a video that lasted I think 8 minutes of a man rant on and on about how Nasty fat women were and then even read comments left on the video that it was not hate, but a fact that fat women ARE nasty. I had no words after seeing the video instead I closed the video and locked my phone and curled up in the covers and almost cried. You ever be in such a mood that you are too tired/too hurt to actually let the tears fall? That was me, the following day I stopped at the store got lemon meringue pie and ice cream and while at work I ate chocolate chip cookies and cake. As I took bites of each of these things I thought of the video and thought no I am not nasty, I do respect myself, and there is something beautiful about me, right? I couldn’t even provide myself with an answer all I could do was say well obviously you don’t care right because you have eaten nothing but sugar today. I did find a comfort, warmth, and a betrayal in all the things I ate that day.
You would think this would light a fire under me to stop eating that a video was saying how a fat woman was nasty, that I was reliving the fact that I couldn’t lift my leg up and over in a hammock to straddle it from the position I was in, that walking at 2.5 to 2.8 on a treadmill is fast for me, that I look like I having a child, that I waddle like a duck and I have gotten so big that I may even resemble a drag queen. Nope none of that has stopped me from eating. It doesn’t help that TOM arrived and chocolate is my friend.
I need prayer, a therapist, I need something. I miss that I was starting to look a bit better last year with the belly going down.

Interesting night 8/28/2011

Well you know I have been gone a while and I really need to stop disappearing even if I am failing. I get discouraged because I feel like who wants to read about someone always failing. I mean come on now. Anyway win or lose I have to stick to this blog stuff for myself.
Last night proved to be very interesting when I go home. I receive a test from my best friend asking me not wanting her to be my Myfitnesspal friend. It all started back with the following text:
Awhile back you made a statement about losing weight like “maybe I’ll do something and not tell anyone.” Now I’m on myfitnesspal and Ana is on myfitnesspal we may have gotten in your way. Want us to not be your friend on there?
Ok so that took me through a loop and I started thinking and scrambling when did I tell her that, oh no did she get wind of my blog before I was ready to share. The blog and my FB group is the only place I have mentioned not wanting to tell anyone about trying to make a lifestyle change. I go into straight panic mode. I start thinking man do I tell her I am kicking off my friend list? Then I thought does that make any sense you haven’t been on there in like 2 or 3 months now. Then I thought when you get back on the horse are you going to speak with the freedom you have in the past? Well to make the long story short I told her Ana was not my friend on myfitnesspal and that I was fine she was my friend on myfitnesspal and I haven’t been using in a while. That when I return I will explain to the ladies what’s going on and that I would return sometime soon. I also explained I may say some things on there she may not understand. She said that was fair.
That is why she is my best friend because she has always been there for me and she doesn’t judge me. I think that is what I find the most important in our friendship she doesn’t judge me at all. She is understanding and her talking to me about the MFP last night proved it and her understanding I may have needed to have that on my own and she would not intrude. I have to admit that I feel better about her not knowing about the blog right now. Right now the blog and the FB group is just mine another avenue for me to talk and speak freely but with people I think truly understands this big girls struggle. By no means do I say she doesn’t have her own struggles since she is trying to lose a few pounds as well but I think people tend to grasp the feeling of the girl that is more than 250lbs. How we feel when we are in a workout setting, when we sit at a booth, when we want to do something but just right now it is a bit much for us. Instead of being told making excuses, no commitment, if something is done a certain way we will fail.
It was all sort of out of the blue to me and seemed triggered but she says because seems like haven’t been on since she became my MFP friend. I have been thinking about this journey and ALL the failures I have had. I have thought about how do I get back on and how do I turn these failures into success. I am ashamed to say that I joined the walk a mile a day challenge and was only able to complete the 1st week and not a full 7 days but a work week. I also joined the group to say one thing positive about yourself daily and I couldn’t even come up with that. Every day I would think of something but I would find the reason as to why it was not positive but weak and or stupid.
I have started to think that this is part of the issue or the issue this deep sense of not being worthy to be admired or appreciated by others. This almost well maybe I should stand tall and believe that as a big girl people don’t treat you differently, that clothes makers make beautiful affordable clothes for you. Yea that was a nice dream but people do treat big girls differently and clothes makers feel an affordable outfit for a plus girl is what $100 to $150 for one item. People say things like she is pretty for a big girl, that outfit does slim you down. We are not treated equally and am I being a martyr and saying oh no you will treat me the same, but I know it is a losing battle. In this venture it is better to conform. Well not really I want to conform and I want to conform for my own selfish reasons. I want to wear pinup clothing, I want to look hot in lingerie, I don’t want to look like I am 6 months pregnant , and just maybe my back will hurt less and my feet wouldn’t be in pain all the time. Whatever It is I have to figure this out I feel like time is running out.

Fighting or just full of crap!

At this moment 2:30pm I am fighting the extremely strong urge to eat chocolate chip cookies. I am work and I am working a late shift so I am hungry right now which is usually my lunch time at this point. I go to the cafeteria (mind you I brought lunch or I guess what we will call dinner when it will be time to eat) and my mind was saying cookies, you know you want cookies. I thought no I am going to get fries (not a good choice but cheaper than there small salad that is just lettuce) and I got a cup of watermelon. I was hoping the watermelon would stop the sweet crave and a bottle of water. The watermelon is not doing it but I am still eating it and praying please let the cookie crave stop.
I need to stop eating the sugar and I HAVE to get off the couch or rather computer chair or bed to do some exercise. I am in my last class to complete my Associates which finishes on Sunday. I am excited about that but I can’t make that an excuse. I didn’t weigh in last week because I want to stick to weighing in, in the mornings on Sunday. The Sunday before I got up and left the house to get my daughter and had coffee on the way to pick her up. No way was I going to weigh in, in the afternoon. I did get back on my weigh in schedule this past Sunday and of course the news was terrible. Of course it was a weight gain and no I am not really surprised, I gained 3.4lbs. I finally got on my weight loss group page on FB and then almost came to tears. Tears you may ask why, well the ladies were posting side by side pics of their success and it was wonderful but so terrible for me because I was right back to asking myself why can’t you get it together!! Now let’s put icing on the cake I did cry this morning after watching a YouTube Video. It was a video response from one of the ladies in my weight loss group and what got me all chocked up and made me cry was about when you are FED UP and backed into a corner. I cried because I keep saying I am tired but is the problem I haven’t become FED UP and backed into a corner yet? The other part was her speaking of all the things she was struggling with and she didn’t want to say on her tomb she died young at the time she was in her 20’s. I am not in my 20’s but at my age I struggle with the same things, climbing stairs part of my body that just hurt for no reason and I have even had episodes of unexplained swelling and pain in my foot, hand (my hand actually cramped in and couldn’t stretch out), the other day my side of my face got swollen at my laugh line.
I tell the people I work with all the time to use their resources and there are no excuses. Why do I not use my resources? I have the biggest loser as a Kinect Video game, also the DVD with a book that can help me. I have Zumba on Kinect as well and both Dance Central one and two. There is a trail in my subdivision too. This past Sunday I was invited to walk with a group of girls as they like to call it there 5k Sunday walk. I didn’t make that because it was 7:45 in the morning meet up and I didn’t get to bed till like 6am which meant a 30 minute sleep to make sure dressed and there for the walk. I did put on my calendar for next week though because I have to go!!
The cookie craving has died down some. I am drinking my water after this watermelon and fries which was about an hour and a half ago that I had the watermelon and fries. I am thinking I will wait till 5 or 5:30 to heat up my dinner. Then after that I have no choice I can’t eat again because the café will be closed and I am here till 9pm.

Babble and weigh in

Well of course it is Sunday night and I should be writing a paper for school but instead I am trying to distract myself, so I figure let me write on my blog. I always crack myself up when I go back and read a post and find all the spelling errors and such. I am like people who read this may think that I am stupid for real LOL. Then I think it would be just easier silly to make videos right, um not for me because I am not thick skin enough for the crap that people say when they watch videos on YouTube. People can be so cruel!!  Anyway I need to be talking about weight loss and all the AMAZING things I did this week to achieve a goal, well I did not do one damn amazing thing, not a one!  I will tell you for about 3 days out of this week I felt like I was suffering from a stint of depression. I think the feeling really struck me on Friday when someone delivered me some news I really didn’t want to hear.  In the grand scheme of things I shouldn’t be surprised by this person but I tell you they have a profound effect on me whether it is good or bad is a question that I can’t seem to answer for myself. The funny thing is maybe I can and just don’t want to LOL that is a whole other story. The other things is I am tired of doing the same thing at work, I don’t want to get into what I do or anything but I do the same thing for 6 weeks at a time with 25 people at a time and it has taken its toll on me.  I am also getting a little anxious about school finally being over, well the 1^st part of it. It has been a super long road; I have had the longest Associate degree in history if you ask me. I admire all the women who held down two and three jobs, taking care of their kids alone and handling their business. I have one job and a single mom and I struggled and took forever to get this education. Amazing when we make work a priority trying to take care of the family, but somehow lose ourselves as a priority.  It amazes me what people think of me or assume what I am and even better I have been called selfish a time or two.  I can’t imagine being selfish because I can’t really remember putting myself first. My daughter things I don’t put her first although I have to admit work has been a top priority and then her as the next. My reasoning for that is that if I don’t have a job how can I provide for her because when she was born we weren’t going to get any help from her dad. Now that she is a teenager and he is in her life, I can’t really say anything has changed expect the court makes him pay. Yet again that is another story about that man, you know what it is not he not worth writing about in my opinion.  SO…. Let’s move on to what you really came to read about.

I did get on the scale today because I weigh in once a week regardless if I have lifted a finger, a toe , or a leg to get moving. The only thing I can say I worked this week was my hand holding the fork putting it in my mouth. I will say I did do better with my eating choices; I can’t lie and say I ate well every day. I ate Burger King on Friday; I had at least one cookie 3 days out of this week. There is no blame game here TOM is here and I tell you helps me make excuses for myself.  I have to stop it and I have to figure out what the problem is and why I keep sabotaging myself. Don’t I deserve to be smaller in size; I don’t want to say skinny because Lord knows I don’t want to be skinny. I want a D cup bra; I want to wear size 10 jeans but at this point in my life I think a size 14 pants would make me sexy! Sometimes I am afraid of the woman I would become at a smaller size because I truly feel like deep down there is a totally different woman living. She lives each day, I think I am afraid she will be reckless and I can’t be reckless I am a mother I have a daughter to raise although she is 16. Maybe I am like if I do lose this weight will I be like the men in their 40’s and 50’s and have a mid-life crisis. Ok enough rambling I got on the scale and I think the damn thing is not working right. I mean I have seen on my FB group page women that have said their scale has been faulty. My scale says I weighed in at 287.4 which is 1.6lbs in weight loss. WTH!! I mean did you see what I said I had this week and TOM is here and I didn’t do any exercise. I will say that I have been putting my songs on in the morning now on the ride to work again and I basically dance in the car on the way to work but I kind of do this suck in my stomach in and out as I drive in my commute to work so a lazy ass ab workout I guess.  Today I actually got out of the bed and left the house to the usual place the grocery store because yesterday I was knee deep in self pity, I stayed in bed all day.  I laid in bed all day and even thought of a friend that said I want you to go and have a good weekend, why don’t you go dancing since you always posting how you love it. I remember my response was well you know all I do is work and homework, my best friend is with her man on the weekend, my other friend is out of town and seems like it’s just me, so I will do what I do best nothing.

I praying for myself having to encourage myself to say the only person that can make this happen is you! How can you expect something more if you are not putting in the work?  I have to remember I am not that girl that just opens her eyes and people fall over to give to her, that I am that girl that has to try and most of the time twice as hard as everyone else seems like.

The game plan this week is to walk away from the chocolate chip cookies this week to have none at all. The other game plan is to turn on the kinect and get my Zumba on or at least my Dance Central and do some Massive Attack or something!! The other game plan is to get out of this funk I am in. Praying for what has my heart heavy to lift and that I need more then signs but I need some things to be just laid out plain and simple. I don’t do well with hints and beating around the bush. The other thing is to get out of bed if I wake up 15-20 minutes before the alarm and do something maybe that is when I should turn on the kinect and dance I don’t know haven’t figured it out, I figure I should make good use of the time besides lying in bed. I will say it may not work tomorrow since it is now 10:46pm and I haven’t even begun to write my paper so you know I will be in bed like midnight or 1am. The crap I do to myself, this self inflicted drama!! Aye you thing at this age I would learn my lesson although I am just not really getting into a school and work routine.

Night everyone, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading me babble on. 1.6lbs down and like 99 to go!  I have 99 problems but a pound ain’t one LOL

Shaking my head for real!!

I promised I would return today regardless if I had good news or not. So I should be so ashamed to say that I have gained 2lbs so my weigh in today was 289. I want to blame that TOM is on the way and for some reason this month I have had some serious pre-PMS symptoms. I have had the tender nipples, the craving for sugar, the mood is an “I don’t give a rat’s A$$”.  Can I say bloating but nah I am still about a 4 days out so I can’t say bloating. The eating has been disastrous the lemon meringue that I have had a serious craving for, then what did I do today I bought another lemon meringue pie.

Now it gets worse because let me tell you how I must hate myself. While eating dinner my friends tell me that Extreme Makeover- Weight loss addition is on. They are telling me how the girl is 20 and that she is a very big girl. When I finish dinner I decide let me see this show, so when I tune in I missed like the first like 40 minutes so I didn’t know her starting weight right off.  Well this woman weighed 323lbs so the more the show went on I started to say damn she looks really big. I started looking down at my body and was like I am not that big, granted by no means I am not in denial about my weight. Then I started to think damn she is lucky her belly fat is lower belly fat and not this upper belly fat that I have which is a serious muffin top. How having lower belly fat you can hide it in a way in your pants push it down but the muffin top has no aid what so ever unless you wore jeans that fit under your breast bone. Yes I know that is crazy talk and I should be beat the hell down for thinking it but I am honest. I then started to focus on her starting weight which is only 34lbs heavier than me. I mean damn, I am a lemon meringue and burger away to weighing that much. My mom was like we need to pinky swear and get on this weight loss. We going to show your friends you can do it too (for her she has to loss it because of her cancer risk to return and being watched for possible diabetes). She said obviously we haven’t hit rock bottom because we still eat bread and have had dessert a few times this week. Did I pinky swear? I did not, instead my response was we have lemon meringue in the fridge and we are not eating the whole thing tonight so we can’t start this tomorrow. My mom’s response was I didn’t mean tomorrow but no more pie no more bread.  What the hell is wrong with me!!  I went into that kitchen when that show was over and cut the lemon pie and enjoyed it like it was a man holding you tenderly.

I have support from my mom so that is not an excuse; the support from my friends may not be the kind that works for me but it is support rooted in the right place. I know boot camp is not for me at this stage and weight in my life. I hated the feeling of well you don’t want it bad enough because boot camp isn’t being done. I have two games I know for sure I just love and can’t seem to find that strength to turn on the damn game console and get my dance on! I love dancing so what is keeping me from the thing I enjoy because I know I am not going to be out in any club dancing because my raggedy tail isn’t brave enough to go out dancing alone, how sad would I look.  You know the fat girl alone in the club and the looks (I feel I would get) from people who are like ugh, eww, makes sense she is here alone no friends no man, she should have stayed home. I can’t dance my any means either but I love to wiggle the fat and side step with the best of them LOL. I even put on a sports bra and pants and Zumba in the house since I would never no matter how hot it is out be in a sports bra with no shirt.

I am my own worst enemy!!  I have to get it together lord please help me, you ever feel so desperate and down that you can’t seem to find you way up. I have fallen so many times and I am trying to get back up, but I am like on my knees trying to get off the floor and my hands on the couch struggling to get my fat ass off the floor. What a mess!! I am going to get off the floor though I am! My mom is right we, I need to show everyone I can be good looking too. I can show my uncle that I don’t have to always have to be fat. I know there are health risks for me since my mother had cancer (in remission right now), family history with medical issues.  I am not even going to lie and say I am doing it for health; I want to shop in the “regular” people store. I want to see if losing weight will really make a difference in my foot issue I am having or will allow me to wear heels. I want to buy a night gown that makes you look sexy, not feel sexy but LOOK sexy!! I want to see if really by losing the weight my back won’t hurt so because of these heavy ass breasts; so they should reduce in size as well. I want to stop hearing from other larger women that I dress nice (most of the time) for a big girl. I guess they figure I should be wearing a moo-moo or pants with the dreaded elastic waist or the cotton Capri jeans (you know the Wal-Mart old women pants)

Getting off this floor is so hard. I can’t wait to write that I made it to the couch and I can’t even see when I can right that I am off the couch and running around the living room.  This all means starting again, being on the couch means exercising and have lost 30lbs or more and the running around the living room meaning I have lost the over 100lbs I have to lose.  Must remember 10bls to lose 10 times and the first thing is to lose the 10lbs at least 3 times I think for me to really get it together and not stop!!

1 hour or 24hrs which will it be?

Well I have to say I am failing miserably at Blogging. LOL I swore I typed some post up at work and emailed it to myself so I could post when I got home, my job lets my Blog come up but the weirdest thing it won’t let me post a thing!  I haven’t posted like I should.

Any who I have had the typical life stuff going on working and school full time and trying to keep my spirits up when some days I just want to pass out LOL . To add to that my daughter went to stay with her dad for a few weeks. I wish we were the parents that got along but when I tell you that man is sorry it doesn’t really explain it. So I have baby daddy issues and a daughter who is blind to his mess. Oh well.

Now I have said before and well one too many times no more excuses on this weight loss journey. I come to tell you I have no excuse. None what so ever but with that being said I have not really said to HELL with this fat and gotten rid of it.  I haven’t been eating right and this week has been the worse week of all, letting that sorry man affect me, and then just knowing I am getting so close to the end of my first degree that I am just feeling tired and then seeking the wrong crap!! I feel like I am drowning losing my best friend to a worthy cause she is in love with a good man, but I can’t remember when we just were able to sit down and talk. I have wanted to talk to her about a situation with this guy she knows the background etc. She said maybe we could do dinner this week well it is Thursday and not an invite and I know weekends are definitely really not an option unless it is group thing. Then I realize really all my other friends don’t know me like she does nor those other good friends do not live close at all. That makes me sad too how pathetic am I?  Well I need to pick up my big girl panties and get over it because I love her and wish her nothing but happiness even if that means that it feels like losing my friendship.

Speaking of friendship I said I wouldn’t mention this blog to her it I hit 20lbs lost, remember I wanted to get back to the initial 10lbs I lost and then hit the 2^nd set of 10lbs. Well I don’t have good news. Let me update you on these numbers and like I said I have no excuse because I have done nothing to change it.

June 17^th – 288.8

June 24^th – 287.6

July 1^st – 286.8

I have lost a whole 2lbs in 3 weeks LOL, SMH seriously. I would be down more I am sure of it if I didn’t eat sugar and damn it finished homework at night and did some exercises. At this rate she won’t know about this blog till like December or the New Year.  I think my body has been trying to tell me something though. One of the ladies on my weightless FB page posted a pic of a man in a doctor’s office. The man was looking at the doctor with that look of I have an excuse as to why I weigh as much as I do. The caption on it says “What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24hrs a day”. I mean you have to laugh at the truth at this point because this weight is not going to extend my life in anyway. My body for the past week and a half has automatically gotten up by 6:45am some morning 6:30am. Mind you my alarm goes off at 7am. I can go to bed late and still waking up at that time. You know I see the time, I get pissed and roll over and try to get back to bed, the alarm goes off at 7am and I hit the snooze till 7:10am. What I could be doing is getting my ass up and doing some kind of exercise before I hit the shower and get ready for work.  My dumb tail isn’t getting the hint.

I am typing this now exhausted but was looking for ways to distract myself for a moment from reading and completing assignments. My picking better food options last week did go better than I thought. I need to figure it out and quick! How can I look better when my uncle comes next year, what if the girls seriously want to go to Miami next year, and I can’t go and be the fat friend in the city of beautiful people. I won’t go if nothing has changed. Also as the picture said do I want to be around a little longer if I can help it to enjoy my life and not just exist in life?

I am going to stick to my guns and I will be back on Sunday and post no matter if the news is good or not. This journey wasn’t meant to be easy. I am by no means an expert, hell I am barely a novice. I am honest and I am real about the struggles I have and that is all I can ask. Fall, fall, fall, and fall but it is all about getting back up each and EVERY time!!

Healthy Fast Food?

I have to tell you my new favorite drink since while the past month I seriously fell off the wagon by starting to drink sodas again. I have been trying to wean myself from drinking soda again, but I did still drink water but of course you know my water struggles but I have been doing way better than before. Anyhow the new favorite drink is the Aqua Frescas Hibiscus drink for 8oz it is 100 calories and in my book for something that taste great to me at those calories is so worth it. Now I have to admit I get a little out of control with the amount I drink sometimes I do drink 16oz at a sitting. I have been working on only drinking some at dinner and now I am trying to work on just drinking 8oz when I take it out the fridge. I can’t even explain why I love that drink so much. LOL. I have also bought myself some wild berry zinger tea from celestial tea; I can’t master it with no sugar. I have been bad and I put a teaspoon of sugar in it and what I really need to do is put half a pack of the truvia in it instead.

I also was introduced a few months back with a place here in my area called MyFit Foods. Now mind you I have had the menu on my desk for a while but ventured to the location the other day. I bought a few items and I have to say it is expensive if you tried to eat there for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They basically have food in a fridge that is already cooked, portioned and calorie counted for you all you have to do is heat it up. This is I guess a healthy version of fast food. The food ranges from $6-$9 I believe I think the large sizes range a bit more not sure. I will have to get back to you on that.  They do sizes, small (recommended for women), medium (recommended for men), large (recommended for the very active person). The highly active people burn more calories so need more calories to fuel their body.

I bought three things on Sunday (6/17) to have for dinner this week and it was like $22 (one of the items I got half price because it was best eaten by 6/18). I mean in the grand scheme of things if you ate out for dinner or even lunch for 3 days in a row it probably would have been more than $22 but as a single mom this is not a feasible option for me to help with my weight loss journey to do all the time. I will have it as a saving grace though so when I don’t have the right kind of lunch or that dinner will won’t be a good option like McDonald’s because I got off late and not in the mood to cook and do homework. I can run there and get a meal for lunch or dinner. I rather spend my $6 or $7 there than eating the processed hamburger and fries at my job cafeteria (which that meat isn’t even real meat).  The meal I had last night was called better beef; it was 2 slices of beef tenderloin, broccoli and bean sprouts for 240 calories. I have to say it did taste good, the meat could be more seasoned and all that jazz but it wasn’t cardboard tasting.

My daughter is gone to her dad’s for six weeks and I wonder if I can get myself down another 5-8lbs before her return. Well first I have already screwed up on Monday I had such a terrible headache when I got off my brain malfunctioned and I stopped at McDonalds and got chocolate chip cookies. The headache did not cease so of course I did NO workout what so ever. I did actually go to MFP and tracked what I ate for the day and overall it wasn’t too terrible minus the damn cookies!!

Encourage Yourself!!

I know I have been gone a very long time. I really needed to come back to this. So I hope I don’t take to much of your time providing an update on what has been going on.  As you know I was terrified about my Birthday coming, my trip to Vegas and my uncle coming into town and gaining all my weight back. It took a while to lose such a small amount I was going to be heart broken to gain it all back again. Well as expected I did gain weight the good news is that I didn’t gain all of it back!! I am happy about that. All those events finished on June 3^rd, so that would mean that I would have gotten back on the saddle on June 4^th. Well I haven’t, yes I know that is terrible but first let me give you some numbers. The day I got on the scale was June 3rd I weighed 289.4, then last week (6/10)  I weighed in again at 288.4. I was happy about that because I tell you when I did no exercise and my eating was not really good at all. This week TOM is here so we know that means a gain on the scale because of bloating etc; I am pleased to say that my scale did not make any changes there was no gain nor was there any loss and I am ok with that. So on 6/17 that’s right my weight remained at 288.4.

I have found over the past few weeks I haven’t been stressing over losing the weight. I will say I am not doing the right thing by not exercising and I have to stop making excuses because in order to get this weight off I will have to make some sacrifices that I wasn’t going to do, but seems like it will be a must. The sacrifices I am speaking of are a little bit of sleep.  I am in school and I am in my last two classes to get my Associates in Business (yay) so after my full time job training people, then my 30 or up to an hour commute (traffic is a beast some days) to come home, I have to head to the books and get homework done.  Then when I am done with that I am wiped out and I can’t even think about exercising, I just want to crawl into bed and then the routine starts all over again.  I am going to have to either workout as soon as I get home or workout as soon as I am done eating my dinner. I have to get at least 30 minutes in; I have to say my mom for the past two weeks has asked me every other day when are we going walking. Her joints and foot have been feeling a bit better so now she wants to walk because she needs to shed pounds as well and it also will help build her endurance up after all the chemo she had been through in the past.  Now in Texas when I get home the sun may not be out but it is still hot and what is worse is that humid hot weather!!

I have no reason to do something, I LOVE Zumba and I have neglected doing what I enjoy to focus on work and school. I am still working on trying to get that balance in my life. Today at work there was a work blog that spoke of Life/Work balance and it mentioned 6 items that needed to be in a rhythm and balanced. Those six items were: Family, Friends, Faith, Community, Self and work. I have to say my entire adult life has been about work but the sad part is I am no executive who because their entire life has been about working that has climbed the corporate ladder. I am a single mother trying to make ends meet and provide a home for her daughter so school was put on hold till now. I learned my lesson that the loyalty the company had to me wasn’t really what I thought. Now don’t get me wrong my job is great and the company I wonderful too but I have to put myself in a position that allows me not to stuck with no upward movement. I want to move upward, get those pay raises, better work schedules and all the things that come with upward movement.  I am now learning to not make work a priority any longer and I am trying to ask for guidance to learn to put myself before others for a change. I always find it funny one someone says I am mean because I am not conforming to what they want and I will speak up when I don’t like something but that doesn’t make me mean.  I am compassionate and I truly care for others even people I really don’t know; I have a big heart and sometimes can be sucker depending on the situation when it comes to me directly.  Ok let me stop being side tracked and get back to the issue at hand which is this weight loss journey. A WLS is so hard and can be super frustrating especially when you know that the journey is a lifestyle change but when you see the “skinny” girl eating cake or ice cream and maintain her weight and if you even sniff the ice cream or cake its like you gained 5lbs!! But I am not giving up. I am relaxing to it because when I get stressed over it nothing happens. I have come to terms I will not be like the other women that drop 80 or more pounds like in 6 months or a bit more. I applaud their ability to do it, but I am ok with being the slow tortoise because I will still make it to the finish line. That is the key that you make it to the finish line what ever that finish line maybe. Don’t give up on yourself we are so worth it and remember the reason you are doing this no matter the reason.

I wanted to give up doing this blog thing because I was like no one reads it but I had to remember I did it for myself because it was an interest I had. That was the key to stick to something I wanted to do for me regardless if no one reads it or not.  I still have not shared my blog with my best friend which again I decided to wait to I get back to the 10lbs lost and I am seriously thinking I stick to the other goal of the 2^nd round of 10lbs lost before I share this blog with her.

Remember to encourage yourself even if no one else does!! There is a song my Sheri Jones -Moffet that is called Encourage yourself. This is a part of the song that speaks volumes to me in my WLS and so many other things as well:

Got pat your own self on the back- yea

Sometimes you have to speak the word over yourself, the pressure is all around, but GOD is present help. The enemy created walls, but remember giants, they do fall; speak over yourself, encourage yourself in the Lord.

Sometimes you gotta look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself I can make it; You gotta remember that life and death are in the power of your own tongue. Even if nobody tells you that you can run on, you tell yourself. You gotta remember I am more than I conqueror, I am encouraged.   

No one else has to tell me to run on! I will run on by myself and I will look to GOD for strength to help me take every step in this journey.

updates and yep a mildstone

Ok I have been gone awhile and I have a lot to say but I will try to keep it short, well my version of short when writing on my blog LOL.  

Wow I saw that I have a follower how awesome is that!! Shot out to my follower I appreciate it.

Ok back to the situation at hand. I weigh in once a week and that day is on Sunday’s which has been working out for me. I only had one bad Sunday where I cried about a 2lb gain, yea I was stressing. Last Sunday the 21^st I actually went back to my Zumba class and I tell you how I missed being there. I should have gone this past Sunday but I was exhausted from being up to 4am on the phone talking with a friend.  That is a whole other story there with that up all night stuff.  I have been horrible at getting any exercise done, my mom’s joints have been hurting her really bad lately so we don’t go walking after work. I know what a BS excuse because I have a phone with music and I am a big girl in more ways than one so I can go walk alone. Things in this journey sometimes must be done alone and I need to stop using my mom physical ailments as an excuse. I have Zumba Rush for Kinect and created my own like 45 minute playlist and that is high intensity and way the hell haven’t I been doing it. I have all kinds of reasons like work and that accounting is kicking my ass are the only two really.  I watched a video talking about making excuses and making time for yourself like an appointment for exercise for example; well I haven’t worked that into my lifestyle just yet. That is something I have to work on especially as I lose weight I won’t be able to just cut calories and lose a pound here and there. I also have to remember not to be pissed off when the journey is slow because I am not going fast and hard with this journey like working out 7 days a week like an hour or two. Like I said hell I am not getting in even 30 minutes or even a day as of late.

This past Sunday was fantastic as far as scale victories go. I got on the scale and it stated I lost like 5lbs from my previous week weigh in and that had me accomplish my 1^st mini goal. My goals are set up to lose 10lbs at a time which means for me to lose 10lbs ten times. Now what I can’t explain why I wasn’t smiling from ear to ear when I hit that goal?  My Fitnesspal had me at a total loss of 11.6lbs since I started this journey back in what like March time frame. Granted placed on my calendar on my phone and for some reason it keeps disappearing from it, weird I know!!  Well My Fitnesspal said for me to drop my calories to 1470 since I lost over 10lbs so tell me why this has me scared to death. I have been struggling counting the 1540 calories I was allotted now they want me to decrease it even more. Ugh All I could think of was my birthday is this Friday the 4^th and then I go to Vegas next week and how in the world was I going to stay at or under 1470 calories.  Needless to say I have been stressed about it. What should I be doing is exercising did I do any yesterday NO, did I do any today NO. I am going to write this go to the restroom and go to bed.

I have to find a way to shake whatever this is about the exercising because tired or not I need to get it done and to do it on a daily basis’s. I will say that while in class I walk around the room more and even pace at times just to burn some calories. These past two weeks doing good with water intake but these past two days have been horrible in water intake.

The good thing is that I actually lost 10lbs by my birthday and before Vegas, the scary thing is I jumped on the scale this morning and I gained 2lbs. I didn’t spaze out like before. I knew that from Sunday and Monday that I felt like I was starving.  Saturday I basically slept the day away was exhausted from the work week and school so I had breakfast and a late lunch really, so Sunday I woke up and I felt so hungry and that feeling stayed with me. I ended up going to Texas Roadhouse and eating the rolls with the butter, a baked potato, a house salad with ranch dressing and I only ate a portion of my steak. Still the calories and carbs in what I ate, then Monday was the same thing but I was eating some of the steak I brought home (I had brought most of it home). I mean what do I expect with all that food (still didn’t eat all the steak Monday night) that I wouldn’t gain and no exercise.

I am terrified to gain it all back by the time I get back from Vegas because I would have experienced my birthday weekend this weekend and Vegas. I don’t want to start “over” to reach my mini goal; I just want to make it to my 2^nd set of 10lbs.  Plus I was supposed to share with my BFF about this blog, my FB group and my weight loss journey when I hit my first mini goal of 10lbs and I cant bring myself to do it. I keep thinking when you come back from Vegas you will have gained and that means you didn’t really reach the goal because you should be moving to losing more not gaining. So I think I will wait till I am back from Vegas see what my weight is and then tell her at the 20lb mark or when I get back the original mini goal.

I will try to do better with the blog just accounting kicking my ass and my students are draining me at work and a large class at that.

April 11th

Today has been a weak day for me. I have seemed to have lost my motivation and what is so sad is that this is what week 5 of this journey and I have only had what 4 weigh ins. A member of my FB group made a grid her weekly weigh ins to show loss and gain and I need to really do that; there are times I can’t remember what my weight was before I enter it into the MFP. I need to remind myself of that from time to time. I also need to make a note of the weight I got to when I lost the 20lbs last year. I do have to realize that last year when I tried this it took me like 4 months to lose 20lbs. I know for so many they lost that in like a month some are like two months, but that is not my journey. My journey is very slow. I am sure that my weight doesn’t want to drop as well because of the stress I make for myself.

So what are those stresses, well first my stress that the weight is not coming off and I am trying to eat better, drink water, and do a little exercise. I say a little exercise because I don’t work out 5-7 times a week. I look at calories and think man my day is shot at lunch or if I eat my dinner even though not a lot then I will be over like 100 calories and I can’t do that. Yesterday I was sad because I went over by 7 calories I mean really who gets sad over 7 calories!! Today I think I realized although trying to eat less and better choices that when I am stressed even when I say I am not stressed that my body craves the carbs. Carbs become a fixture in my mind. When I am home I do eat things like rice but I don’t crave having a slice(s) of bread and eggs for example. There are times I really want to have biscuits for breakfast when I want a big hearty one, but that is not an all the time deal. I can’t even imagine life with no carbs but then again can you really eat without having any Carbs? Carbs are in rice, potatoes, cereal, and oatmeal as an example. I thought well maybe I need to do that only meat and fruits galore for a week or maybe two but I thought dang doesn’t cheese have carbs in it too, so only meat and fruits, better watch for seasonings because some of those have carbs too. It feels like a losing battle to say no carbs girl, none what so ever.

Now to make matters worse I bring my lunch and from stress feel I need to get away and it wasn’t stress at work either. I was stressing over my child and the choices she makes when it comes to school and then her crap she gave me about her dad how he understands bull crap. I will digress from that back to my lunch issues. My best friend again is in the office and she asked if I brought my lunch and of course the answer is yes. I then say well depends on where you are going I may ditch my lunch and go with you. She names some thinks like Cuban, burgers, Pluckers and Olive Garden. I decline Cuban because I am not a fan of the Cuban sandwich at all and there I would order the fried pork chunks, rice and black beans. I didn’t want to eat fried food, so why I also stayed away from Pluckers since the wings are fried and then dipped in yummy sauces of your choice. I wasn’t feeling a burger at all so I was like hum I can do Olive Garden how hurtful can a salad be with soup right? Plus to my best friend credit she has no idea about this weight loss journey I still haven’t gotten to my first 10lb loss. I get the soup and salad and what do I do I eat two bowls of Zuppa Toscana (170 calories a bowl), salad (no croutons, not a big fan) with the dressing again is already mixed in so they say 290 calories for that. Its salad man for real 290 calories and the lettuce is NOT soaked in dressing it’s just lettuce, raw cabbage pieces, red onions and tomatoes on my plate, ugh!! I fought the bread basket urge for awhile and caved in and had one (150 calories) and then I was feeling defeated with my personal stress I wanted to comforted by dessert, but I felt I was making a better choice by getting the dolcini (mini cups) of the limonceli Mousse (230). So let’s add up lunch it was 1010 calories and I drank water. Just terrible that came to so many calories!! Now breakfast I did over do it because I wanted to stay full longer because didn’t really have snacks. I had 520 calories at breakfast which was oatmeal and Weight Watchers Pancake breakfast, needless to say I have 10 calories left for the day and I haven’t had dinner. I am not hungry at this point so I may end up skipping dinner but we shall see. I say that because lunch was like at noon and it is 4 now.

Wow 3 weeks till my birthday and the time frame I gave myself to be 10lbs lighter, um I really hope I make it which is 4 more pounds to lose but that is if I don’t gain this week again. I am scared LOL . Ok with all joking aside I would really like to drop 10 pounds by my birthday, I would love to get to 30lbs dropped or even 40 by the time I graduate which should be mid August time frame. Ok wish me LUCK!!!

April 10th

Looking in the mirror today at work on my desk and I noticed just how round my face really is. I looked as if my face was swollen. The more I looked I was thinking MFP says I have lost 4lbs so why does my face look so swollen. I was proud of myself for not crying like a big baby because I am an emotional wreck I tell you. My best friend is actually in the office today and she said she was going out to lunch and I said no the place she named was not going to fit in my calories. Well I didn’t tell her that because remember she doesn’t know I am trying to lose weight. Then I remembered when my co-worker (male) came in and he stopped at her desk and she mentioned to him looks like you have lost some weight and he goes on to say thanks and how he has been trying to lose weight. I am like 5 weeks into this and I have only lost 4 pounds!! I am like WTH! Ugh I have been trying to but I have not been like hard core workout 7 days a week, 1-2 hours a day either. I was just struggling trying to get my calories down! I have been struggling to get workouts in. Ah so is life the key to remember that your Journey is not someone else’s journey, before we say man why can’t I have it like that remember we have no idea what their journey is like. Some people paint a pretty picture for people to see on the outside and we have no idea about the battles they have inside, the storms they are facing not others cannot see or don’t want to see in some cases. I think that is a part of my problem, I let people see the storms, I share the battle and point blank most people don’t want to see or hear it they only want to see the pretty picture.

Yesterday my calorie count was under goal and my pedometer had me with a lot of calorie burned. So it basically said that I could eat all my calories again, well I was really full. Then I doubted my tracking and my pedometer reading. Today I was losing my mind at work wanted to be home but my lazy tail didn’t want to get up and come into work. I laid in bed for awhile just day dreaming I guess more like feeling sorry for myself to be honest. I laid in bed thinking is this all? I was like I am grateful for what I have but so ungrateful for the things I don’t have. I looked around my room and thought this room is a mess just like my life. I thought how lonely I felt in a house with my daughter and now mother, how can I feel alone when people are here with me. A man doesn’t define you and I know this better than anyone because I do me always because I have no choice. I started to think well that is what your step dad said you are to independent. I joined this dating site for Big people and I get all this I like your photo stuff and no one really sending messages and when they do, um let’s say they are not saying anything but I like your profile. I thought there was promise with this one guy but I have to send him messages and I am not about to beg for anyone’s attention; I feel like I have to do that all the time and I tell you what I am tired! I don’t want to beg for attention I want someone who wants my attention. I will digress because it not going to fix anything me saying I want that. Lord knows I have NO CLUE how to GET IT! Everyone around me seems like they can get it but I get nothing. I haven’t lost all hope because so many women on my FB group are dating and have husbands and today so many of them said they met their husband/boyfriend as a big woman. I can’t blame being fat or can I? I don’t know where to find myself where men appreciate a big woman.

Oh yes I did!! What a feeling

Let me start off with the fantastic news of my weigh in from last week. I did my weigh in on April 1^st and this was no April fool’s joke, I couldn’t believe the scale. I had to get on it again when I saw the first number show up. I was like no this can’t be true I had to get off and then back on the scale and the scale said I lost 5lbs. I was so freaking happy and the crazy thing is that I was going to skip the scale remember because the previous week I lost .4lbs and I felt so defeated it wasn’t even half a pound LOL. I was so over joyed that I lost 5lbs and knew I was well on my way to making my 1^st mini goal of 10lbs by my birthday May 4^th. I had decided that I would focus on losing 10lbs 10 tens to get to the 100lb loss I need. I actually need more than 100lbs but 100lbs seems to sink into my head better than saying that I need to lose 144lbs or more.

Now let’s talk about week 4 and that I totally sucked at the water intake which I did pretty well in week 3 as well as the Zumba and Dance Central and even walking. I didn’t do so hot with carbs week 4 because in my mind I had carbs the week before and I lost 5lbs, but I started week 4 all types of wrong really. Just in case I forget or I didn’t mention before, my weeks start on Sunday. That Sunday my mom was feeling depressed with all her husband family drama and she not being happy with what he is trying to offer to her.  She wanted to go buy curtains for her room that she has at my house and I was down for that and then she said no never mind because you have your diet and you don’t need to eat out. I am like I can eat out; I will count my calories and make sure I get exercise. I had Panera bread and went to Freddy’s to try their custard (that was a HUGE disappointment the Freddy’s custard; it wasn’t good for the calories I took in). I didn’t blow my calories out of the water I did go over but like under 300 calories over that day. I only had one other day I went over and that was under 200 calories and all the other days I was under in many cases way under. I only did cardio one day (Zumba) and the rest was just the usual walking around at work. I felt proud of myself for walking the building twice this week while at work. That slow ass walk isn’t going to do it for me with eating things like cracker and cheese. The sad thing is I am not getting crazy with cheese or crackers. I had one serving for those 150 calories of crackers.  Well needless to say the lack of cardio and not having a no carb week (which I can’t carbs out completely) I got on the scale today and I gained 2.4lbs. I cried! I got back in my bed and continued to cry. I was angry with myself for not getting the cardio in, for being so weak at drinking at least 8 cups of water a day. I knew I was fat on Tuesday I felt it, err.  I finally got out of bed since my daughter kept coming in and then she told my mom I think my mom is crying. I get out and my mom ask did I get on the scale I said yes and she said did you gain, lose, or stay the same. I said I gained and she wanted to know how much and I said 2.4lbs.  She then said I hate to see you like this but how you are so about counting your calories and then she tried to blame herself for her joints hurting so badly that she couldn’t take evening walks with me. I have to love my mom trying to take in my pain. It is not her fault I could have gotten off my big tail and walked the neighborhood and came back and do a short Zumba class and then finish my homework. She said are you not going to eat today, I said no mom I will eat (she worries I will get so down that I will try to stop eating) and then she said are you were getting dessert for when my brothers come for Easter dinner, are you going to drown in chocolate (my old faithful) and I said no mom I won’t she smiled and said good. All I could do was fight back the tears that were welling up and she said are  you crying and I said no and the tears fell and she said yes you are, aye don’t cry it will get better whatever it is. Don’t let that scale get you , told you I don’t like the scale I want to see the changes in my clothes because the scale will drive me crazy.

I feel that today crazy and almost scared about what this week will bring and I am not starting it out right because already mid day and I haven’t had a drop of water.

Well off to the grocery store and fighting tears today.

Let me back track to 3/27

I am now day two into week 3 and I tell you I am not sure if I am getting the hang of this or not. Let me back track just a second her to tell you about my week 2 weigh in on Sunday. I woke up Sunday and I was scared to get out of bed. I do my weigh in when I wake up after hitting the restroom and before I brush my teeth or anything. I did so much better than the week before with food and I even exercised a few days out of the week, but I had this fear of getting on the scale and nothing. Well that is basically what happened I got on the scale and saw I dropped a big wait for it…wait for it… it was .4lbs, don’t miss out on the point in front of the number .4lbs that is it. I got off and back on the scale three times and it said the same thing “Girl get off you didn’t even lose a pound, not even half a pound”. I stepped off the scale in disbelief and moved to the kitchen and made myself breakfast and checked my FB and wrote how upset I was. I almost came to tears when I saw all the great posts that said I lost 31lbs in 5 weeks, I lost 4lbs this week, 6lbs, etc. I didn’t want to cry because my mom would have started on the “I told you stop weighing yourself, remember just eat less, walk, just use your clothes as the gage.” I didn’t want to hear all that, I wanted to see the pounds drop because I am trying to make changes and was frustrated I ate less junk and actually exercised, so I didn’t understand.

Well my FB support group is great!! I say this because I was looking at the comments to me and just post on the page that helped me put things in perspective. There were post from celebrate every loss no matter how little, and then the one that told me like it was. The post that told me like it was told me stop the negativity of being upset over the loss, but be happy I lost it and to basically love myself. It wasn’t rude or mean at all it touched a nerve for a few things that it will come and it will happen and they want it as bad as I do, but I have to believe in myself. Oh it gets better there was post a member put as the reminder that my journey is no one else’s, some journeys are fast, others are slow, some have bumps in the road but the important thing was that we will all reach the end of our journey. Then the ultimate that made my eyes well up and it was a post made for me by the same member that told me to stop being upset over the little loss, but to be happy she posted the Eminem “Not Afraid” video. If you have never paid attention to the song you should. I love to listen to music for lyrics and the lyrics were on point for me!! I was touched by strangers that understood me but were firm with me but not in a “stop your whining approach”. It was all about understand and what roadblock they saw I may have in myself that other people that do not have this experience/weight understand. I have to say I am SO grateful for them! I am emotional and the first thing I want to do is find sweets but I didn’t do that. I did eat a big breakfast but I fought myself to not hit the sugar like I use to before.

Ok now in week 3 because of my frustration with my Sunday weigh in I am going to skip (attempt to anyway) my next weigh on Sunday but instead weigh in at the end of week 4. I think I will make it because my menstrual cycle hit me and I also going to blame that on my weigh in. I get bloated before I start and I started on Monday. I am so proud though because my craving for chocolate is generally out of control but I haven’t lost my mind with wanting to have it. I am not going to lie today I want sure a bit more, so having a gelato snack –um yea I know well that is the plan anyway depends on the options at Central Market today when we go. I have considered cheating today or tomorrow with chocolate but haven’t made my mind yet.

I am so TERRIBLE at water intake!! I had 16oz yesterday and I am barely down the same amount now. I am sure if I increase this water intake 10 fold my progress should be great!! Ok so I did indulge in a small gelato

What got you here won’t get you there.

A little this and a little of that

I haven’t blogged in awhile and for minute there I thought ah who cares no one reads your blog anyway or gives a rats ass what you have to say. LOL I then had to remember it doesn’t matter if no one cares what I am thinking or how I am feeling this is being done for me. I want to blog, it was a desire of mines and I have to stand up for myself and support myself and do something for me. I have learned a little more about myself, I support everyone in the things they desire, what they do and I can’t seem to do that for myself. I watched a video about people always going to be haters and I thought I guess people think that of me that I am a hater. I am not a hater I am just frustrated. I support everyone, I feel like I lift them up and all I see around me is others making progress and I am at a standstill in every aspect of my life. My career is not going anywhere, but I am thankful I have a job, my love life Shit that doesn’t even exit and my weight loss well let’s say it is barely moving.

I had a 25 year boy reach out to me on BP (Black Planet) the other day mind you I have been on that thing for many years. I looked at the picture and I was always fat but I wasn’t the beast I am today. Then I had to laugh at what I wrote on my profile page.  This is what it said:

Um, what can I say about myself. I am sweet and simply divine :) I have great friends and a great job. I love music and I love to laugh. I listen to all kinds of music you can call me a radio head. I like to hit the streets from time to time to shake a little somethin' somethin'. I have been told that i am dark chocolate, with a sexy smile, fiery eyes, thick, wet soft looking lips, hips that won't quit, but I will let you be the judge of that. Friends love that I am a great listener and I don't have time to judge. Now I will admit at first I am a little shy, but when I open up you never know what you will get. LOL

What a joke lol. I have no idea what I was thinking in 2007 but I obviously thought someone wanted my tail. Now this 25 year old sending me messages, when I got the message I was like what, how in the world. Then I read my profile and just laughed and I am like um this says sure I will lay down with you. I am sure this boy thinks nice older woman and by the profile she is ready to give up that ass! Needless to say I was amused and felt good for all of 5 minutes about the simple and non-disrespectful message he sent. Then I felt the need to be honest and let it be known I don’t look that any longer and that when I wrote it I was obviously feeling myself.  My best friend said to change the pics on the BP profile and update what it says. I am like I am too exhausted to update photos and write who I am now because it is like one gives a shit in the first place; it will just be easier to remove it from BP. I will give it a week just to see if he responds if not then it will be taken down.

I guess that profile and seeing me from 2007 just made it even more evident of the truth I saw in another video a woman made about how men treat her differently since losing a 100lbs. As a large woman in my experience they don’t want me, they are wanting the woman that is just grateful someone wants to touch her big ass. They don’t take you places, keep up with you, get you a damn thing, but always on time when they need to relieve some tension.  Then the other ones that approach me on-line are men from Ghana who all want to get to the states, they don’t know I am a broke ass single mother and have no desire to pay to bring a man to the states to say I have one and for him to leave after a year or two anyway.

I have to believe that there are men that love a big woman for all that she is not just for being that person they visit in the dark. I say this because almost half of the women on my FB weightloss group are married and or have boyfriends. Then I chuckle maybe not because you are fat girl but just because you are not worth it to anyone else. Yea Yea I know then the how can you expect someone to love you when you do not love yourself. I have been loving myself for a long time and I am now just tired. I am tired of coming home to only my teenage daughter; don’t get me wrong love her but it is not the same as having a companion. If this was the case then everyone would be single right because they wouldn’t need that connection other than the one they have with their friends, family, or children, right?  I don’t get phone calls thinking of you, text messages asking how is your day going, flowers on the kitchen table when I get home, weekend get-a-ways, some to cry on other than my family or best friend. I have to slow that crap down as well.  I can’t bother people with my sorry stuff because I become the misery in their life and I think I have become that in my best friend life and for the past two weeks I keep hearing something another friend said about a set of friends she had. She said sometimes people grow apart and that is just how it is, people out grow each other.  I think that my bestie has out grown me and she and our other friend are more alike, the eating, the exercise, and the guys. I am so happy for her but sad that as I watch her with our other friend and her boyfriend, I don’t see where I fit.  Then I think I am a grown ass woman seriously get over that shit and be happy she has always been an excellent friend to you even if you have always been the emotional friend. If she outgrows you then she outgrows you, you are use to that happening. The only thing is at my age I still haven’t figured out how do I end the cycle of people always outgrowing me and leaving me behind. Life I tell you is short and I can’t take so long to learn these lessons.

Yes I am having a moment!! I mean WTH!!

Ok I have to say that I am feeling good about my journey this week. Now I hope the scale feels good to me as well on Sunday when I do my weigh in. I need to vent for a minute sometimes that needs to be done doesn’t mean negativity.  

This week there was a video about dreaming big and long story short there was an in house dance pole at the end of the video and a Beyonce song called “Dance for you”. I FREAKING love the in house dance pole!! I can’t get one (to heavy) so I did the best next thing and I bought the song on Itunes. Needless to say it has been on constant repeat since last night, all I could do was think I want to be able to just look that sexy how the song makes it sound. Does that make sense that a song that plays that just displays mass sex appeal, desire, that “Oh HOT Damn” vibe, well that song is that for me at the moment although I don’t have any of that now. So you may be thinking ok so what are you venting about, well the more the song played my mind started racing and thoughts everywhere, I felt like my mind was a 2yr old child at a playground who just ate 3 Rock Candy sticks!! I was thinking I joined this plus size dating website a few weeks ago to try to see can a sister at least get a date. I tried Match last year and that was an Epic FAIL! One reason being that every profile that came my way and the countless ones I searched for all wanted athletic and toned or average. Then I thought I made a match with a gentleman that finally came across to say he liked what he saw and read. Well let me tell you his focus was on hey we have been on two dates we grown so let’s do what grown folks do. He never grossed the line with physical touching but he was crossing it in emails, text, and calls with the constant “nudge” about he is grown and has needs. Never anything explicit and I was like hey I am not doing that I want more at this point in my life. I was tired of that phrase a dear friend (also very overweight) would say about plus size women we are shade in the summer and warmth in the winter. I guess her way to deal that with how many don’t see us or sexy, hell most of the times they only want to see us in the dark. Yea um NO… He was cool but needless to say he found an excuse (in my eyes) to cancel our 3^rd date and then decided how we wouldn’t work out type thing. Then I was thinking about a FB post from my weight loss group that was about being tired of being referred to well you have a pretty face, I was like hum do I even get that and then the answer was yes you do. Then I was thinking about this new site with all this you are so pretty etc and I was like because I only had a face photo and then realized that some people actually come to that site from sister sites they have-err!

What I am saying is everywhere and writing it out will be long and who want to read a SUPER LONG blog? I guess what I am saying is why can’t I find a guy that wants to take a girl on a got damn date! Why can’t someone other my best friend and my mother think I am pretty as a whole person, why do people always say shit like you are such a pretty person inside. (Well don’t let me like I don’t get a pretty person inside a lot LOL). I was in damn near tears this morning with all the thoughts in my head and listening to that song. I want to be looked at with that “look”, I want to seen as sexy, hot damn, can I get that, not a fuck you should be happy I want your ass attitude. Such Bullshit!! I am with some of the girls in my support group I want to go to Vicky’s Secret and get me some shit too!! I want to come home to a man and turn on that damn song and dance my ass off!! I am tired of getting in my bed alone and feeling unworthy. Such Bullshit!! I want someone other than my mother to look at me with warmth, shit she is mom for goodness sake it is her damn job to give me that motherly warm look. I want that warm look, I want that you are cute, pretty, shit sexy look from a man damn it. Instead when they look at me they look threw me. I am that cool girl, you good peeps.

Ok enough Bitching and sorry for the cursing. I have to remain focused on taking this journey one step at a time and give myself permission to cry, to be angry at myself for letting me get this big and like disappear in the eyes of the world.  I pray that when I lose the weight that I let go and not hold a grudge because in my heart I know I will be treated differently when I am a 100lbs lighter.  I have said it before that maybe a reason why I have found a way to shipwreck myself in my previous journey because I was afraid to become bitter. Right now at this moment I feel like the scene in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, when he says you are just another bitter black woman and her response is I am not bitter I am MAD as HELL!!

Tomorrow is another day and I will continue to listen to that song and remind myself that one day I will look how the song makes me feel!! I will, I just have too!!

WITHOUT DISCOMFORT THERE CAN BE NO GROWTH!!

I tell you this morning I feel awake and tired does that even make sense? I was walking with my best friend to the company mailroom and I yawned and said I am tired, but I was a little sore and I wanted to tell her how awesome I was last night with my exercise. I didn’t though, like I said before I am going to wait to tell her when I lose like 10lbs so she knows I am serious about trying to shed the pounds. The other reason we have another friend so people see us as the three musketeers, our friend calls us Neapolitan actually LOL. This friend has the best intentions she does but we can butt heads for sure because we are both domineering in nature plus she has more a Jillian Michaels approach to help and I am SO NOT into that approach that just makes me want to jump on them with all these rolls and sit on the person till they CAN”T breathe!! It doesn’t work at all for me I need a Bob Harper type of approach. I don’t mind being pushed but do not drill sergeant me. So we basically always have these three way conversations so I don’t want it to come out by mistake. Don’t get me wrong I would leave my life in her hands and something to know about me I wouldn’t trust really anyone not in my family with my life and even some of my family members are questionable with this. LOL I did feel guilt this morning feeling terrible in not telling her something that she would do nothing but support me on, she would give me the Bob Harper support because she knows I do best in my personal life with that approach. I have to keep pushing forward and talk to myself and say she will understand when you tell her about this weight loss journey and about doing this blog. BTW she told me to do it and she even encouraged me to do YT but like I said I am too chicken for YT right now.

Ok we are at like 11am and I ate breakfast around 8:15/8:30am. I am feeling the um I want to eat brain saying we are little hungry. I have this bottle of water staring at me right now and watching this webinar at work. Good times…um no but yesterday seminar was great though. The water bottle is taunting me why is it hard for me to drink it-errr. I only drank half my cup of coffee this morning; I know I need to drink it. My mom’s oncologist said she wanted to start out that my mom needed to drink more since she has been experiencing joint pain. I was doing that Zumba and with the last walk I took my right hip aches badly.

Man I have no clue what my mom does to broccoli but I tell you I just love it. I like some broccoli and cheese any other way I am like um no, but there is no cheese on these broccoli cuts and they are so YUMMY!! Plus who knew I would enjoy eating squash, she makes them so that they are still crunchy on the outside, mean she doesn’t boil squash till they become mush. She puts in the pan and a little olive oil I think and man I tell you I like it!! My snack today was pretty yummy I am glad to say and hunger did hit me earlier than yesterday. I went with green tea with Truvia and my crème brulee mini rice cakes. It was a nice satisfying treat actually. Lunch was really good which was the squash, broccoli and meatballs.

My mom took a cleanser so no walking today, yes I know you are like say what!! Get your butt up and go and walk, but I don't have my headphones charged and I hate walking alone with no music or nothing. I guess it just reminds me that I am lonely (even when I have music) and I don't mean the company of my daughter who tells me of all the high school drama and I feel the need to say that crap don't matter, please study, pass your grades. Not doing what you need to do is going to hurt you in the long run and how you like the finer things you have to support that habit. Walking with my mom we talk about Adult things, lol now I think about it I am sure my mom is like see you are your daughter now and I am you. These things don’t matter, keep pushing forward to finish your 1st degree, the right man will come along for you, get your home in order (fixing it up), and let's stay on top of Boo (what she calls my daughter) so she goes further than we did. My daughter the first 5 minutes of the walk goes on and on maybe 1st 10 minutes and then she is like over talking, or rather telling me about these silly girls at school and she text and doesn't pay me attention, typical 16 year old.

I have completed my homework I feel achy so not terrible sore but I do feel minor discomfort. I want to go to bed but I know the right thing to do as I drink this green tea and eat some more rice cakes which will put me over calories today is to work out. I am like I don't think I can handle Zumba again tonight. I then feel so inadequate my Zumba instructor (when I had time to go to an actual class) is like in her 50s and teaches 12 classes a week and I am tripping about doing a 3rd day. I need to stop crying and WOMAN UP and do something so I guess I will do dance central tonight instead.

WITHOUT DISCOMFORT THERE CAN BE NO GROWTH!!