Ok I have to say that I am feeling good about my journey
this week. Now I hope the scale feels good to me as well on Sunday when I do my
weigh in. I need to vent for a minute sometimes that needs to be done doesn’t
mean negativity.
This week there was a video about dreaming big and long
story short there was an in house dance pole at the end of the video and a
Beyonce song called “Dance for you”. I FREAKING love the in house dance pole!!
I can’t get one (to heavy) so I did the best next thing and I bought the song
on Itunes. Needless to say it has been on constant repeat since last night, all
I could do was think I want to be able to just look that sexy how the song
makes it sound. Does that make sense that a song that plays that just displays
mass sex appeal, desire, that “Oh HOT Damn” vibe, well that song is that for me
at the moment although I don’t have any of that now. So you may be thinking ok
so what are you venting about, well the more the song played my mind started
racing and thoughts everywhere, I felt like my mind was a 2yr old child at a
playground who just ate 3 Rock Candy sticks!! I was thinking I joined this plus
size dating website a few weeks ago to try to see can a sister at least get a
date. I tried Match last year and that was an Epic FAIL! One reason being that
every profile that came my way and the countless ones I searched for all wanted
athletic and toned or average. Then I thought I made a match with a gentleman
that finally came across to say he liked what he saw and read. Well let me tell
you his focus was on hey we have been on two dates we grown so let’s do what
grown folks do. He never grossed the line with physical touching but he was
crossing it in emails, text, and calls with the constant “nudge” about he is
grown and has needs. Never anything explicit and I was like hey I am not doing
that I want more at this point in my life. I was tired of that phrase a dear
friend (also very overweight) would say about plus size women we are shade in the
summer and warmth in the winter. I guess her way to deal that with how many don’t
see us or sexy, hell most of the times they only want to see us in the dark.
Yea um NO… He was cool but needless to say he found an excuse (in my eyes) to
cancel our 3rd date and then decided how we wouldn’t work out type
thing. Then I was thinking about a FB post from my weight loss group that was
about being tired of being referred to well you have a pretty face, I was like
hum do I even get that and then the answer was yes you do. Then I was thinking
about this new site with all this you are so pretty etc and I was like because
I only had a face photo and then realized that some people actually come to
that site from sister sites they have-err!
What I am saying is everywhere and writing it out will be
long and who want to read a SUPER LONG blog? I guess what I am saying is why
can’t I find a guy that wants to take a girl on a got damn date! Why can’t
someone other my best friend and my mother think I am pretty as a whole person,
why do people always say shit like you are such a pretty person inside. (Well
don’t let me like I don’t get a pretty person inside a lot LOL). I was in damn
near tears this morning with all the thoughts in my head and listening to that
song. I want to be looked at with that “look”, I want to seen as sexy, hot
damn, can I get that, not a fuck you should be happy I want your ass attitude.
Such Bullshit!! I am with some of the girls in my support group I want to go to
Vicky’s Secret and get me some shit too!! I want to come home to a man and turn
on that damn song and dance my ass off!! I am tired of getting in my bed alone
and feeling unworthy. Such Bullshit!! I want someone other than my mother to
look at me with warmth, shit she is mom for goodness sake it is her damn job to
give me that motherly warm look. I want that warm look, I want that you are
cute, pretty, shit sexy look from a man damn it. Instead when they look at me
they look threw me. I am that cool girl, you good peeps.
Ok enough Bitching and sorry for the cursing. I have to
remain focused on taking this journey one step at a time and give myself
permission to cry, to be angry at myself for letting me get this big and like
disappear in the eyes of the world. I
pray that when I lose the weight that I let go and not hold a grudge because in
my heart I know I will be treated differently when I am a 100lbs lighter. I have said it before that maybe a reason why
I have found a way to shipwreck myself in my previous journey because I was
afraid to become bitter. Right now at this moment I feel like the scene in
Diary of a Mad Black Woman, when he says you are just another bitter black
woman and her response is I am not bitter I am MAD as HELL!!
Tomorrow is another day and I will continue to listen to
that song and remind myself that one day I will look how the song makes me
feel!! I will, I just have too!!
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