Fighting or just full of crap!

At this moment 2:30pm I am fighting the extremely strong urge to eat chocolate chip cookies. I am work and I am working a late shift so I am hungry right now which is usually my lunch time at this point. I go to the cafeteria (mind you I brought lunch or I guess what we will call dinner when it will be time to eat) and my mind was saying cookies, you know you want cookies. I thought no I am going to get fries (not a good choice but cheaper than there small salad that is just lettuce) and I got a cup of watermelon. I was hoping the watermelon would stop the sweet crave and a bottle of water. The watermelon is not doing it but I am still eating it and praying please let the cookie crave stop.
I need to stop eating the sugar and I HAVE to get off the couch or rather computer chair or bed to do some exercise. I am in my last class to complete my Associates which finishes on Sunday. I am excited about that but I can’t make that an excuse. I didn’t weigh in last week because I want to stick to weighing in, in the mornings on Sunday. The Sunday before I got up and left the house to get my daughter and had coffee on the way to pick her up. No way was I going to weigh in, in the afternoon. I did get back on my weigh in schedule this past Sunday and of course the news was terrible. Of course it was a weight gain and no I am not really surprised, I gained 3.4lbs. I finally got on my weight loss group page on FB and then almost came to tears. Tears you may ask why, well the ladies were posting side by side pics of their success and it was wonderful but so terrible for me because I was right back to asking myself why can’t you get it together!! Now let’s put icing on the cake I did cry this morning after watching a YouTube Video. It was a video response from one of the ladies in my weight loss group and what got me all chocked up and made me cry was about when you are FED UP and backed into a corner. I cried because I keep saying I am tired but is the problem I haven’t become FED UP and backed into a corner yet? The other part was her speaking of all the things she was struggling with and she didn’t want to say on her tomb she died young at the time she was in her 20’s. I am not in my 20’s but at my age I struggle with the same things, climbing stairs part of my body that just hurt for no reason and I have even had episodes of unexplained swelling and pain in my foot, hand (my hand actually cramped in and couldn’t stretch out), the other day my side of my face got swollen at my laugh line.
I tell the people I work with all the time to use their resources and there are no excuses. Why do I not use my resources? I have the biggest loser as a Kinect Video game, also the DVD with a book that can help me. I have Zumba on Kinect as well and both Dance Central one and two. There is a trail in my subdivision too. This past Sunday I was invited to walk with a group of girls as they like to call it there 5k Sunday walk. I didn’t make that because it was 7:45 in the morning meet up and I didn’t get to bed till like 6am which meant a 30 minute sleep to make sure dressed and there for the walk. I did put on my calendar for next week though because I have to go!!
The cookie craving has died down some. I am drinking my water after this watermelon and fries which was about an hour and a half ago that I had the watermelon and fries. I am thinking I will wait till 5 or 5:30 to heat up my dinner. Then after that I have no choice I can’t eat again because the café will be closed and I am here till 9pm.

Babble and weigh in

Well of course it is Sunday night and I should be writing a paper for school but instead I am trying to distract myself, so I figure let me write on my blog. I always crack myself up when I go back and read a post and find all the spelling errors and such. I am like people who read this may think that I am stupid for real LOL. Then I think it would be just easier silly to make videos right, um not for me because I am not thick skin enough for the crap that people say when they watch videos on YouTube. People can be so cruel!!  Anyway I need to be talking about weight loss and all the AMAZING things I did this week to achieve a goal, well I did not do one damn amazing thing, not a one!  I will tell you for about 3 days out of this week I felt like I was suffering from a stint of depression. I think the feeling really struck me on Friday when someone delivered me some news I really didn’t want to hear.  In the grand scheme of things I shouldn’t be surprised by this person but I tell you they have a profound effect on me whether it is good or bad is a question that I can’t seem to answer for myself. The funny thing is maybe I can and just don’t want to LOL that is a whole other story. The other things is I am tired of doing the same thing at work, I don’t want to get into what I do or anything but I do the same thing for 6 weeks at a time with 25 people at a time and it has taken its toll on me.  I am also getting a little anxious about school finally being over, well the 1^st part of it. It has been a super long road; I have had the longest Associate degree in history if you ask me. I admire all the women who held down two and three jobs, taking care of their kids alone and handling their business. I have one job and a single mom and I struggled and took forever to get this education. Amazing when we make work a priority trying to take care of the family, but somehow lose ourselves as a priority.  It amazes me what people think of me or assume what I am and even better I have been called selfish a time or two.  I can’t imagine being selfish because I can’t really remember putting myself first. My daughter things I don’t put her first although I have to admit work has been a top priority and then her as the next. My reasoning for that is that if I don’t have a job how can I provide for her because when she was born we weren’t going to get any help from her dad. Now that she is a teenager and he is in her life, I can’t really say anything has changed expect the court makes him pay. Yet again that is another story about that man, you know what it is not he not worth writing about in my opinion.  SO…. Let’s move on to what you really came to read about.

I did get on the scale today because I weigh in once a week regardless if I have lifted a finger, a toe , or a leg to get moving. The only thing I can say I worked this week was my hand holding the fork putting it in my mouth. I will say I did do better with my eating choices; I can’t lie and say I ate well every day. I ate Burger King on Friday; I had at least one cookie 3 days out of this week. There is no blame game here TOM is here and I tell you helps me make excuses for myself.  I have to stop it and I have to figure out what the problem is and why I keep sabotaging myself. Don’t I deserve to be smaller in size; I don’t want to say skinny because Lord knows I don’t want to be skinny. I want a D cup bra; I want to wear size 10 jeans but at this point in my life I think a size 14 pants would make me sexy! Sometimes I am afraid of the woman I would become at a smaller size because I truly feel like deep down there is a totally different woman living. She lives each day, I think I am afraid she will be reckless and I can’t be reckless I am a mother I have a daughter to raise although she is 16. Maybe I am like if I do lose this weight will I be like the men in their 40’s and 50’s and have a mid-life crisis. Ok enough rambling I got on the scale and I think the damn thing is not working right. I mean I have seen on my FB group page women that have said their scale has been faulty. My scale says I weighed in at 287.4 which is 1.6lbs in weight loss. WTH!! I mean did you see what I said I had this week and TOM is here and I didn’t do any exercise. I will say that I have been putting my songs on in the morning now on the ride to work again and I basically dance in the car on the way to work but I kind of do this suck in my stomach in and out as I drive in my commute to work so a lazy ass ab workout I guess.  Today I actually got out of the bed and left the house to the usual place the grocery store because yesterday I was knee deep in self pity, I stayed in bed all day.  I laid in bed all day and even thought of a friend that said I want you to go and have a good weekend, why don’t you go dancing since you always posting how you love it. I remember my response was well you know all I do is work and homework, my best friend is with her man on the weekend, my other friend is out of town and seems like it’s just me, so I will do what I do best nothing.

I praying for myself having to encourage myself to say the only person that can make this happen is you! How can you expect something more if you are not putting in the work?  I have to remember I am not that girl that just opens her eyes and people fall over to give to her, that I am that girl that has to try and most of the time twice as hard as everyone else seems like.

The game plan this week is to walk away from the chocolate chip cookies this week to have none at all. The other game plan is to turn on the kinect and get my Zumba on or at least my Dance Central and do some Massive Attack or something!! The other game plan is to get out of this funk I am in. Praying for what has my heart heavy to lift and that I need more then signs but I need some things to be just laid out plain and simple. I don’t do well with hints and beating around the bush. The other thing is to get out of bed if I wake up 15-20 minutes before the alarm and do something maybe that is when I should turn on the kinect and dance I don’t know haven’t figured it out, I figure I should make good use of the time besides lying in bed. I will say it may not work tomorrow since it is now 10:46pm and I haven’t even begun to write my paper so you know I will be in bed like midnight or 1am. The crap I do to myself, this self inflicted drama!! Aye you thing at this age I would learn my lesson although I am just not really getting into a school and work routine.

Night everyone, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading me babble on. 1.6lbs down and like 99 to go!  I have 99 problems but a pound ain’t one LOL

Shaking my head for real!!

I promised I would return today regardless if I had good news or not. So I should be so ashamed to say that I have gained 2lbs so my weigh in today was 289. I want to blame that TOM is on the way and for some reason this month I have had some serious pre-PMS symptoms. I have had the tender nipples, the craving for sugar, the mood is an “I don’t give a rat’s A$$”.  Can I say bloating but nah I am still about a 4 days out so I can’t say bloating. The eating has been disastrous the lemon meringue that I have had a serious craving for, then what did I do today I bought another lemon meringue pie.

Now it gets worse because let me tell you how I must hate myself. While eating dinner my friends tell me that Extreme Makeover- Weight loss addition is on. They are telling me how the girl is 20 and that she is a very big girl. When I finish dinner I decide let me see this show, so when I tune in I missed like the first like 40 minutes so I didn’t know her starting weight right off.  Well this woman weighed 323lbs so the more the show went on I started to say damn she looks really big. I started looking down at my body and was like I am not that big, granted by no means I am not in denial about my weight. Then I started to think damn she is lucky her belly fat is lower belly fat and not this upper belly fat that I have which is a serious muffin top. How having lower belly fat you can hide it in a way in your pants push it down but the muffin top has no aid what so ever unless you wore jeans that fit under your breast bone. Yes I know that is crazy talk and I should be beat the hell down for thinking it but I am honest. I then started to focus on her starting weight which is only 34lbs heavier than me. I mean damn, I am a lemon meringue and burger away to weighing that much. My mom was like we need to pinky swear and get on this weight loss. We going to show your friends you can do it too (for her she has to loss it because of her cancer risk to return and being watched for possible diabetes). She said obviously we haven’t hit rock bottom because we still eat bread and have had dessert a few times this week. Did I pinky swear? I did not, instead my response was we have lemon meringue in the fridge and we are not eating the whole thing tonight so we can’t start this tomorrow. My mom’s response was I didn’t mean tomorrow but no more pie no more bread.  What the hell is wrong with me!!  I went into that kitchen when that show was over and cut the lemon pie and enjoyed it like it was a man holding you tenderly.

I have support from my mom so that is not an excuse; the support from my friends may not be the kind that works for me but it is support rooted in the right place. I know boot camp is not for me at this stage and weight in my life. I hated the feeling of well you don’t want it bad enough because boot camp isn’t being done. I have two games I know for sure I just love and can’t seem to find that strength to turn on the damn game console and get my dance on! I love dancing so what is keeping me from the thing I enjoy because I know I am not going to be out in any club dancing because my raggedy tail isn’t brave enough to go out dancing alone, how sad would I look.  You know the fat girl alone in the club and the looks (I feel I would get) from people who are like ugh, eww, makes sense she is here alone no friends no man, she should have stayed home. I can’t dance my any means either but I love to wiggle the fat and side step with the best of them LOL. I even put on a sports bra and pants and Zumba in the house since I would never no matter how hot it is out be in a sports bra with no shirt.

I am my own worst enemy!!  I have to get it together lord please help me, you ever feel so desperate and down that you can’t seem to find you way up. I have fallen so many times and I am trying to get back up, but I am like on my knees trying to get off the floor and my hands on the couch struggling to get my fat ass off the floor. What a mess!! I am going to get off the floor though I am! My mom is right we, I need to show everyone I can be good looking too. I can show my uncle that I don’t have to always have to be fat. I know there are health risks for me since my mother had cancer (in remission right now), family history with medical issues.  I am not even going to lie and say I am doing it for health; I want to shop in the “regular” people store. I want to see if losing weight will really make a difference in my foot issue I am having or will allow me to wear heels. I want to buy a night gown that makes you look sexy, not feel sexy but LOOK sexy!! I want to see if really by losing the weight my back won’t hurt so because of these heavy ass breasts; so they should reduce in size as well. I want to stop hearing from other larger women that I dress nice (most of the time) for a big girl. I guess they figure I should be wearing a moo-moo or pants with the dreaded elastic waist or the cotton Capri jeans (you know the Wal-Mart old women pants)

Getting off this floor is so hard. I can’t wait to write that I made it to the couch and I can’t even see when I can right that I am off the couch and running around the living room.  This all means starting again, being on the couch means exercising and have lost 30lbs or more and the running around the living room meaning I have lost the over 100lbs I have to lose.  Must remember 10bls to lose 10 times and the first thing is to lose the 10lbs at least 3 times I think for me to really get it together and not stop!!

1 hour or 24hrs which will it be?

Well I have to say I am failing miserably at Blogging. LOL I swore I typed some post up at work and emailed it to myself so I could post when I got home, my job lets my Blog come up but the weirdest thing it won’t let me post a thing!  I haven’t posted like I should.

Any who I have had the typical life stuff going on working and school full time and trying to keep my spirits up when some days I just want to pass out LOL . To add to that my daughter went to stay with her dad for a few weeks. I wish we were the parents that got along but when I tell you that man is sorry it doesn’t really explain it. So I have baby daddy issues and a daughter who is blind to his mess. Oh well.

Now I have said before and well one too many times no more excuses on this weight loss journey. I come to tell you I have no excuse. None what so ever but with that being said I have not really said to HELL with this fat and gotten rid of it.  I haven’t been eating right and this week has been the worse week of all, letting that sorry man affect me, and then just knowing I am getting so close to the end of my first degree that I am just feeling tired and then seeking the wrong crap!! I feel like I am drowning losing my best friend to a worthy cause she is in love with a good man, but I can’t remember when we just were able to sit down and talk. I have wanted to talk to her about a situation with this guy she knows the background etc. She said maybe we could do dinner this week well it is Thursday and not an invite and I know weekends are definitely really not an option unless it is group thing. Then I realize really all my other friends don’t know me like she does nor those other good friends do not live close at all. That makes me sad too how pathetic am I?  Well I need to pick up my big girl panties and get over it because I love her and wish her nothing but happiness even if that means that it feels like losing my friendship.

Speaking of friendship I said I wouldn’t mention this blog to her it I hit 20lbs lost, remember I wanted to get back to the initial 10lbs I lost and then hit the 2^nd set of 10lbs. Well I don’t have good news. Let me update you on these numbers and like I said I have no excuse because I have done nothing to change it.

June 17^th – 288.8

June 24^th – 287.6

July 1^st – 286.8

I have lost a whole 2lbs in 3 weeks LOL, SMH seriously. I would be down more I am sure of it if I didn’t eat sugar and damn it finished homework at night and did some exercises. At this rate she won’t know about this blog till like December or the New Year.  I think my body has been trying to tell me something though. One of the ladies on my weightless FB page posted a pic of a man in a doctor’s office. The man was looking at the doctor with that look of I have an excuse as to why I weigh as much as I do. The caption on it says “What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24hrs a day”. I mean you have to laugh at the truth at this point because this weight is not going to extend my life in anyway. My body for the past week and a half has automatically gotten up by 6:45am some morning 6:30am. Mind you my alarm goes off at 7am. I can go to bed late and still waking up at that time. You know I see the time, I get pissed and roll over and try to get back to bed, the alarm goes off at 7am and I hit the snooze till 7:10am. What I could be doing is getting my ass up and doing some kind of exercise before I hit the shower and get ready for work.  My dumb tail isn’t getting the hint.

I am typing this now exhausted but was looking for ways to distract myself for a moment from reading and completing assignments. My picking better food options last week did go better than I thought. I need to figure it out and quick! How can I look better when my uncle comes next year, what if the girls seriously want to go to Miami next year, and I can’t go and be the fat friend in the city of beautiful people. I won’t go if nothing has changed. Also as the picture said do I want to be around a little longer if I can help it to enjoy my life and not just exist in life?

I am going to stick to my guns and I will be back on Sunday and post no matter if the news is good or not. This journey wasn’t meant to be easy. I am by no means an expert, hell I am barely a novice. I am honest and I am real about the struggles I have and that is all I can ask. Fall, fall, fall, and fall but it is all about getting back up each and EVERY time!!