Oh yes I did!! What a feeling

Let me start off with the fantastic news of my weigh in from last week. I did my weigh in on April 1^st and this was no April fool’s joke, I couldn’t believe the scale. I had to get on it again when I saw the first number show up. I was like no this can’t be true I had to get off and then back on the scale and the scale said I lost 5lbs. I was so freaking happy and the crazy thing is that I was going to skip the scale remember because the previous week I lost .4lbs and I felt so defeated it wasn’t even half a pound LOL. I was so over joyed that I lost 5lbs and knew I was well on my way to making my 1^st mini goal of 10lbs by my birthday May 4^th. I had decided that I would focus on losing 10lbs 10 tens to get to the 100lb loss I need. I actually need more than 100lbs but 100lbs seems to sink into my head better than saying that I need to lose 144lbs or more.

Now let’s talk about week 4 and that I totally sucked at the water intake which I did pretty well in week 3 as well as the Zumba and Dance Central and even walking. I didn’t do so hot with carbs week 4 because in my mind I had carbs the week before and I lost 5lbs, but I started week 4 all types of wrong really. Just in case I forget or I didn’t mention before, my weeks start on Sunday. That Sunday my mom was feeling depressed with all her husband family drama and she not being happy with what he is trying to offer to her.  She wanted to go buy curtains for her room that she has at my house and I was down for that and then she said no never mind because you have your diet and you don’t need to eat out. I am like I can eat out; I will count my calories and make sure I get exercise. I had Panera bread and went to Freddy’s to try their custard (that was a HUGE disappointment the Freddy’s custard; it wasn’t good for the calories I took in). I didn’t blow my calories out of the water I did go over but like under 300 calories over that day. I only had one other day I went over and that was under 200 calories and all the other days I was under in many cases way under. I only did cardio one day (Zumba) and the rest was just the usual walking around at work. I felt proud of myself for walking the building twice this week while at work. That slow ass walk isn’t going to do it for me with eating things like cracker and cheese. The sad thing is I am not getting crazy with cheese or crackers. I had one serving for those 150 calories of crackers.  Well needless to say the lack of cardio and not having a no carb week (which I can’t carbs out completely) I got on the scale today and I gained 2.4lbs. I cried! I got back in my bed and continued to cry. I was angry with myself for not getting the cardio in, for being so weak at drinking at least 8 cups of water a day. I knew I was fat on Tuesday I felt it, err.  I finally got out of bed since my daughter kept coming in and then she told my mom I think my mom is crying. I get out and my mom ask did I get on the scale I said yes and she said did you gain, lose, or stay the same. I said I gained and she wanted to know how much and I said 2.4lbs.  She then said I hate to see you like this but how you are so about counting your calories and then she tried to blame herself for her joints hurting so badly that she couldn’t take evening walks with me. I have to love my mom trying to take in my pain. It is not her fault I could have gotten off my big tail and walked the neighborhood and came back and do a short Zumba class and then finish my homework. She said are you not going to eat today, I said no mom I will eat (she worries I will get so down that I will try to stop eating) and then she said are you were getting dessert for when my brothers come for Easter dinner, are you going to drown in chocolate (my old faithful) and I said no mom I won’t she smiled and said good. All I could do was fight back the tears that were welling up and she said are  you crying and I said no and the tears fell and she said yes you are, aye don’t cry it will get better whatever it is. Don’t let that scale get you , told you I don’t like the scale I want to see the changes in my clothes because the scale will drive me crazy.

I feel that today crazy and almost scared about what this week will bring and I am not starting it out right because already mid day and I haven’t had a drop of water.

Well off to the grocery store and fighting tears today.

Let me back track to 3/27

I am now day two into week 3 and I tell you I am not sure if I am getting the hang of this or not. Let me back track just a second her to tell you about my week 2 weigh in on Sunday. I woke up Sunday and I was scared to get out of bed. I do my weigh in when I wake up after hitting the restroom and before I brush my teeth or anything. I did so much better than the week before with food and I even exercised a few days out of the week, but I had this fear of getting on the scale and nothing. Well that is basically what happened I got on the scale and saw I dropped a big wait for it…wait for it… it was .4lbs, don’t miss out on the point in front of the number .4lbs that is it. I got off and back on the scale three times and it said the same thing “Girl get off you didn’t even lose a pound, not even half a pound”. I stepped off the scale in disbelief and moved to the kitchen and made myself breakfast and checked my FB and wrote how upset I was. I almost came to tears when I saw all the great posts that said I lost 31lbs in 5 weeks, I lost 4lbs this week, 6lbs, etc. I didn’t want to cry because my mom would have started on the “I told you stop weighing yourself, remember just eat less, walk, just use your clothes as the gage.” I didn’t want to hear all that, I wanted to see the pounds drop because I am trying to make changes and was frustrated I ate less junk and actually exercised, so I didn’t understand.

Well my FB support group is great!! I say this because I was looking at the comments to me and just post on the page that helped me put things in perspective. There were post from celebrate every loss no matter how little, and then the one that told me like it was. The post that told me like it was told me stop the negativity of being upset over the loss, but be happy I lost it and to basically love myself. It wasn’t rude or mean at all it touched a nerve for a few things that it will come and it will happen and they want it as bad as I do, but I have to believe in myself. Oh it gets better there was post a member put as the reminder that my journey is no one else’s, some journeys are fast, others are slow, some have bumps in the road but the important thing was that we will all reach the end of our journey. Then the ultimate that made my eyes well up and it was a post made for me by the same member that told me to stop being upset over the little loss, but to be happy she posted the Eminem “Not Afraid” video. If you have never paid attention to the song you should. I love to listen to music for lyrics and the lyrics were on point for me!! I was touched by strangers that understood me but were firm with me but not in a “stop your whining approach”. It was all about understand and what roadblock they saw I may have in myself that other people that do not have this experience/weight understand. I have to say I am SO grateful for them! I am emotional and the first thing I want to do is find sweets but I didn’t do that. I did eat a big breakfast but I fought myself to not hit the sugar like I use to before.

Ok now in week 3 because of my frustration with my Sunday weigh in I am going to skip (attempt to anyway) my next weigh on Sunday but instead weigh in at the end of week 4. I think I will make it because my menstrual cycle hit me and I also going to blame that on my weigh in. I get bloated before I start and I started on Monday. I am so proud though because my craving for chocolate is generally out of control but I haven’t lost my mind with wanting to have it. I am not going to lie today I want sure a bit more, so having a gelato snack –um yea I know well that is the plan anyway depends on the options at Central Market today when we go. I have considered cheating today or tomorrow with chocolate but haven’t made my mind yet.

I am so TERRIBLE at water intake!! I had 16oz yesterday and I am barely down the same amount now. I am sure if I increase this water intake 10 fold my progress should be great!! Ok so I did indulge in a small gelato

What got you here won’t get you there.

A little this and a little of that

I haven’t blogged in awhile and for minute there I thought ah who cares no one reads your blog anyway or gives a rats ass what you have to say. LOL I then had to remember it doesn’t matter if no one cares what I am thinking or how I am feeling this is being done for me. I want to blog, it was a desire of mines and I have to stand up for myself and support myself and do something for me. I have learned a little more about myself, I support everyone in the things they desire, what they do and I can’t seem to do that for myself. I watched a video about people always going to be haters and I thought I guess people think that of me that I am a hater. I am not a hater I am just frustrated. I support everyone, I feel like I lift them up and all I see around me is others making progress and I am at a standstill in every aspect of my life. My career is not going anywhere, but I am thankful I have a job, my love life Shit that doesn’t even exit and my weight loss well let’s say it is barely moving.

I had a 25 year boy reach out to me on BP (Black Planet) the other day mind you I have been on that thing for many years. I looked at the picture and I was always fat but I wasn’t the beast I am today. Then I had to laugh at what I wrote on my profile page.  This is what it said:

Um, what can I say about myself. I am sweet and simply divine :) I have great friends and a great job. I love music and I love to laugh. I listen to all kinds of music you can call me a radio head. I like to hit the streets from time to time to shake a little somethin' somethin'. I have been told that i am dark chocolate, with a sexy smile, fiery eyes, thick, wet soft looking lips, hips that won't quit, but I will let you be the judge of that. Friends love that I am a great listener and I don't have time to judge. Now I will admit at first I am a little shy, but when I open up you never know what you will get. LOL

What a joke lol. I have no idea what I was thinking in 2007 but I obviously thought someone wanted my tail. Now this 25 year old sending me messages, when I got the message I was like what, how in the world. Then I read my profile and just laughed and I am like um this says sure I will lay down with you. I am sure this boy thinks nice older woman and by the profile she is ready to give up that ass! Needless to say I was amused and felt good for all of 5 minutes about the simple and non-disrespectful message he sent. Then I felt the need to be honest and let it be known I don’t look that any longer and that when I wrote it I was obviously feeling myself.  My best friend said to change the pics on the BP profile and update what it says. I am like I am too exhausted to update photos and write who I am now because it is like one gives a shit in the first place; it will just be easier to remove it from BP. I will give it a week just to see if he responds if not then it will be taken down.

I guess that profile and seeing me from 2007 just made it even more evident of the truth I saw in another video a woman made about how men treat her differently since losing a 100lbs. As a large woman in my experience they don’t want me, they are wanting the woman that is just grateful someone wants to touch her big ass. They don’t take you places, keep up with you, get you a damn thing, but always on time when they need to relieve some tension.  Then the other ones that approach me on-line are men from Ghana who all want to get to the states, they don’t know I am a broke ass single mother and have no desire to pay to bring a man to the states to say I have one and for him to leave after a year or two anyway.

I have to believe that there are men that love a big woman for all that she is not just for being that person they visit in the dark. I say this because almost half of the women on my FB weightloss group are married and or have boyfriends. Then I chuckle maybe not because you are fat girl but just because you are not worth it to anyone else. Yea Yea I know then the how can you expect someone to love you when you do not love yourself. I have been loving myself for a long time and I am now just tired. I am tired of coming home to only my teenage daughter; don’t get me wrong love her but it is not the same as having a companion. If this was the case then everyone would be single right because they wouldn’t need that connection other than the one they have with their friends, family, or children, right?  I don’t get phone calls thinking of you, text messages asking how is your day going, flowers on the kitchen table when I get home, weekend get-a-ways, some to cry on other than my family or best friend. I have to slow that crap down as well.  I can’t bother people with my sorry stuff because I become the misery in their life and I think I have become that in my best friend life and for the past two weeks I keep hearing something another friend said about a set of friends she had. She said sometimes people grow apart and that is just how it is, people out grow each other.  I think that my bestie has out grown me and she and our other friend are more alike, the eating, the exercise, and the guys. I am so happy for her but sad that as I watch her with our other friend and her boyfriend, I don’t see where I fit.  Then I think I am a grown ass woman seriously get over that shit and be happy she has always been an excellent friend to you even if you have always been the emotional friend. If she outgrows you then she outgrows you, you are use to that happening. The only thing is at my age I still haven’t figured out how do I end the cycle of people always outgrowing me and leaving me behind. Life I tell you is short and I can’t take so long to learn these lessons.