updates and yep a mildstone

Ok I have been gone awhile and I have a lot to say but I will try to keep it short, well my version of short when writing on my blog LOL.  

Wow I saw that I have a follower how awesome is that!! Shot out to my follower I appreciate it.

Ok back to the situation at hand. I weigh in once a week and that day is on Sunday’s which has been working out for me. I only had one bad Sunday where I cried about a 2lb gain, yea I was stressing. Last Sunday the 21^st I actually went back to my Zumba class and I tell you how I missed being there. I should have gone this past Sunday but I was exhausted from being up to 4am on the phone talking with a friend.  That is a whole other story there with that up all night stuff.  I have been horrible at getting any exercise done, my mom’s joints have been hurting her really bad lately so we don’t go walking after work. I know what a BS excuse because I have a phone with music and I am a big girl in more ways than one so I can go walk alone. Things in this journey sometimes must be done alone and I need to stop using my mom physical ailments as an excuse. I have Zumba Rush for Kinect and created my own like 45 minute playlist and that is high intensity and way the hell haven’t I been doing it. I have all kinds of reasons like work and that accounting is kicking my ass are the only two really.  I watched a video talking about making excuses and making time for yourself like an appointment for exercise for example; well I haven’t worked that into my lifestyle just yet. That is something I have to work on especially as I lose weight I won’t be able to just cut calories and lose a pound here and there. I also have to remember not to be pissed off when the journey is slow because I am not going fast and hard with this journey like working out 7 days a week like an hour or two. Like I said hell I am not getting in even 30 minutes or even a day as of late.

This past Sunday was fantastic as far as scale victories go. I got on the scale and it stated I lost like 5lbs from my previous week weigh in and that had me accomplish my 1^st mini goal. My goals are set up to lose 10lbs at a time which means for me to lose 10lbs ten times. Now what I can’t explain why I wasn’t smiling from ear to ear when I hit that goal?  My Fitnesspal had me at a total loss of 11.6lbs since I started this journey back in what like March time frame. Granted placed on my calendar on my phone and for some reason it keeps disappearing from it, weird I know!!  Well My Fitnesspal said for me to drop my calories to 1470 since I lost over 10lbs so tell me why this has me scared to death. I have been struggling counting the 1540 calories I was allotted now they want me to decrease it even more. Ugh All I could think of was my birthday is this Friday the 4^th and then I go to Vegas next week and how in the world was I going to stay at or under 1470 calories.  Needless to say I have been stressed about it. What should I be doing is exercising did I do any yesterday NO, did I do any today NO. I am going to write this go to the restroom and go to bed.

I have to find a way to shake whatever this is about the exercising because tired or not I need to get it done and to do it on a daily basis’s. I will say that while in class I walk around the room more and even pace at times just to burn some calories. These past two weeks doing good with water intake but these past two days have been horrible in water intake.

The good thing is that I actually lost 10lbs by my birthday and before Vegas, the scary thing is I jumped on the scale this morning and I gained 2lbs. I didn’t spaze out like before. I knew that from Sunday and Monday that I felt like I was starving.  Saturday I basically slept the day away was exhausted from the work week and school so I had breakfast and a late lunch really, so Sunday I woke up and I felt so hungry and that feeling stayed with me. I ended up going to Texas Roadhouse and eating the rolls with the butter, a baked potato, a house salad with ranch dressing and I only ate a portion of my steak. Still the calories and carbs in what I ate, then Monday was the same thing but I was eating some of the steak I brought home (I had brought most of it home). I mean what do I expect with all that food (still didn’t eat all the steak Monday night) that I wouldn’t gain and no exercise.

I am terrified to gain it all back by the time I get back from Vegas because I would have experienced my birthday weekend this weekend and Vegas. I don’t want to start “over” to reach my mini goal; I just want to make it to my 2^nd set of 10lbs.  Plus I was supposed to share with my BFF about this blog, my FB group and my weight loss journey when I hit my first mini goal of 10lbs and I cant bring myself to do it. I keep thinking when you come back from Vegas you will have gained and that means you didn’t really reach the goal because you should be moving to losing more not gaining. So I think I will wait till I am back from Vegas see what my weight is and then tell her at the 20lb mark or when I get back the original mini goal.

I will try to do better with the blog just accounting kicking my ass and my students are draining me at work and a large class at that.

April 11th

Today has been a weak day for me. I have seemed to have lost my motivation and what is so sad is that this is what week 5 of this journey and I have only had what 4 weigh ins. A member of my FB group made a grid her weekly weigh ins to show loss and gain and I need to really do that; there are times I can’t remember what my weight was before I enter it into the MFP. I need to remind myself of that from time to time. I also need to make a note of the weight I got to when I lost the 20lbs last year. I do have to realize that last year when I tried this it took me like 4 months to lose 20lbs. I know for so many they lost that in like a month some are like two months, but that is not my journey. My journey is very slow. I am sure that my weight doesn’t want to drop as well because of the stress I make for myself.

So what are those stresses, well first my stress that the weight is not coming off and I am trying to eat better, drink water, and do a little exercise. I say a little exercise because I don’t work out 5-7 times a week. I look at calories and think man my day is shot at lunch or if I eat my dinner even though not a lot then I will be over like 100 calories and I can’t do that. Yesterday I was sad because I went over by 7 calories I mean really who gets sad over 7 calories!! Today I think I realized although trying to eat less and better choices that when I am stressed even when I say I am not stressed that my body craves the carbs. Carbs become a fixture in my mind. When I am home I do eat things like rice but I don’t crave having a slice(s) of bread and eggs for example. There are times I really want to have biscuits for breakfast when I want a big hearty one, but that is not an all the time deal. I can’t even imagine life with no carbs but then again can you really eat without having any Carbs? Carbs are in rice, potatoes, cereal, and oatmeal as an example. I thought well maybe I need to do that only meat and fruits galore for a week or maybe two but I thought dang doesn’t cheese have carbs in it too, so only meat and fruits, better watch for seasonings because some of those have carbs too. It feels like a losing battle to say no carbs girl, none what so ever.

Now to make matters worse I bring my lunch and from stress feel I need to get away and it wasn’t stress at work either. I was stressing over my child and the choices she makes when it comes to school and then her crap she gave me about her dad how he understands bull crap. I will digress from that back to my lunch issues. My best friend again is in the office and she asked if I brought my lunch and of course the answer is yes. I then say well depends on where you are going I may ditch my lunch and go with you. She names some thinks like Cuban, burgers, Pluckers and Olive Garden. I decline Cuban because I am not a fan of the Cuban sandwich at all and there I would order the fried pork chunks, rice and black beans. I didn’t want to eat fried food, so why I also stayed away from Pluckers since the wings are fried and then dipped in yummy sauces of your choice. I wasn’t feeling a burger at all so I was like hum I can do Olive Garden how hurtful can a salad be with soup right? Plus to my best friend credit she has no idea about this weight loss journey I still haven’t gotten to my first 10lb loss. I get the soup and salad and what do I do I eat two bowls of Zuppa Toscana (170 calories a bowl), salad (no croutons, not a big fan) with the dressing again is already mixed in so they say 290 calories for that. Its salad man for real 290 calories and the lettuce is NOT soaked in dressing it’s just lettuce, raw cabbage pieces, red onions and tomatoes on my plate, ugh!! I fought the bread basket urge for awhile and caved in and had one (150 calories) and then I was feeling defeated with my personal stress I wanted to comforted by dessert, but I felt I was making a better choice by getting the dolcini (mini cups) of the limonceli Mousse (230). So let’s add up lunch it was 1010 calories and I drank water. Just terrible that came to so many calories!! Now breakfast I did over do it because I wanted to stay full longer because didn’t really have snacks. I had 520 calories at breakfast which was oatmeal and Weight Watchers Pancake breakfast, needless to say I have 10 calories left for the day and I haven’t had dinner. I am not hungry at this point so I may end up skipping dinner but we shall see. I say that because lunch was like at noon and it is 4 now.

Wow 3 weeks till my birthday and the time frame I gave myself to be 10lbs lighter, um I really hope I make it which is 4 more pounds to lose but that is if I don’t gain this week again. I am scared LOL . Ok with all joking aside I would really like to drop 10 pounds by my birthday, I would love to get to 30lbs dropped or even 40 by the time I graduate which should be mid August time frame. Ok wish me LUCK!!!

April 10th

Looking in the mirror today at work on my desk and I noticed just how round my face really is. I looked as if my face was swollen. The more I looked I was thinking MFP says I have lost 4lbs so why does my face look so swollen. I was proud of myself for not crying like a big baby because I am an emotional wreck I tell you. My best friend is actually in the office today and she said she was going out to lunch and I said no the place she named was not going to fit in my calories. Well I didn’t tell her that because remember she doesn’t know I am trying to lose weight. Then I remembered when my co-worker (male) came in and he stopped at her desk and she mentioned to him looks like you have lost some weight and he goes on to say thanks and how he has been trying to lose weight. I am like 5 weeks into this and I have only lost 4 pounds!! I am like WTH! Ugh I have been trying to but I have not been like hard core workout 7 days a week, 1-2 hours a day either. I was just struggling trying to get my calories down! I have been struggling to get workouts in. Ah so is life the key to remember that your Journey is not someone else’s journey, before we say man why can’t I have it like that remember we have no idea what their journey is like. Some people paint a pretty picture for people to see on the outside and we have no idea about the battles they have inside, the storms they are facing not others cannot see or don’t want to see in some cases. I think that is a part of my problem, I let people see the storms, I share the battle and point blank most people don’t want to see or hear it they only want to see the pretty picture.

Yesterday my calorie count was under goal and my pedometer had me with a lot of calorie burned. So it basically said that I could eat all my calories again, well I was really full. Then I doubted my tracking and my pedometer reading. Today I was losing my mind at work wanted to be home but my lazy tail didn’t want to get up and come into work. I laid in bed for awhile just day dreaming I guess more like feeling sorry for myself to be honest. I laid in bed thinking is this all? I was like I am grateful for what I have but so ungrateful for the things I don’t have. I looked around my room and thought this room is a mess just like my life. I thought how lonely I felt in a house with my daughter and now mother, how can I feel alone when people are here with me. A man doesn’t define you and I know this better than anyone because I do me always because I have no choice. I started to think well that is what your step dad said you are to independent. I joined this dating site for Big people and I get all this I like your photo stuff and no one really sending messages and when they do, um let’s say they are not saying anything but I like your profile. I thought there was promise with this one guy but I have to send him messages and I am not about to beg for anyone’s attention; I feel like I have to do that all the time and I tell you what I am tired! I don’t want to beg for attention I want someone who wants my attention. I will digress because it not going to fix anything me saying I want that. Lord knows I have NO CLUE how to GET IT! Everyone around me seems like they can get it but I get nothing. I haven’t lost all hope because so many women on my FB group are dating and have husbands and today so many of them said they met their husband/boyfriend as a big woman. I can’t blame being fat or can I? I don’t know where to find myself where men appreciate a big woman.