April 10th

Looking in the mirror today at work on my desk and I noticed just how round my face really is. I looked as if my face was swollen. The more I looked I was thinking MFP says I have lost 4lbs so why does my face look so swollen. I was proud of myself for not crying like a big baby because I am an emotional wreck I tell you. My best friend is actually in the office today and she said she was going out to lunch and I said no the place she named was not going to fit in my calories. Well I didn’t tell her that because remember she doesn’t know I am trying to lose weight. Then I remembered when my co-worker (male) came in and he stopped at her desk and she mentioned to him looks like you have lost some weight and he goes on to say thanks and how he has been trying to lose weight. I am like 5 weeks into this and I have only lost 4 pounds!! I am like WTH! Ugh I have been trying to but I have not been like hard core workout 7 days a week, 1-2 hours a day either. I was just struggling trying to get my calories down! I have been struggling to get workouts in. Ah so is life the key to remember that your Journey is not someone else’s journey, before we say man why can’t I have it like that remember we have no idea what their journey is like. Some people paint a pretty picture for people to see on the outside and we have no idea about the battles they have inside, the storms they are facing not others cannot see or don’t want to see in some cases. I think that is a part of my problem, I let people see the storms, I share the battle and point blank most people don’t want to see or hear it they only want to see the pretty picture.

Yesterday my calorie count was under goal and my pedometer had me with a lot of calorie burned. So it basically said that I could eat all my calories again, well I was really full. Then I doubted my tracking and my pedometer reading. Today I was losing my mind at work wanted to be home but my lazy tail didn’t want to get up and come into work. I laid in bed for awhile just day dreaming I guess more like feeling sorry for myself to be honest. I laid in bed thinking is this all? I was like I am grateful for what I have but so ungrateful for the things I don’t have. I looked around my room and thought this room is a mess just like my life. I thought how lonely I felt in a house with my daughter and now mother, how can I feel alone when people are here with me. A man doesn’t define you and I know this better than anyone because I do me always because I have no choice. I started to think well that is what your step dad said you are to independent. I joined this dating site for Big people and I get all this I like your photo stuff and no one really sending messages and when they do, um let’s say they are not saying anything but I like your profile. I thought there was promise with this one guy but I have to send him messages and I am not about to beg for anyone’s attention; I feel like I have to do that all the time and I tell you what I am tired! I don’t want to beg for attention I want someone who wants my attention. I will digress because it not going to fix anything me saying I want that. Lord knows I have NO CLUE how to GET IT! Everyone around me seems like they can get it but I get nothing. I haven’t lost all hope because so many women on my FB group are dating and have husbands and today so many of them said they met their husband/boyfriend as a big woman. I can’t blame being fat or can I? I don’t know where to find myself where men appreciate a big woman.