Just take the 1st Step

Breathe, Breathe… I can’t believe I actually decided to take a step towards trying to live a better life style. Now I must admit this week will not be my official start date, although I signed up for work a challenge. At my company there is a challenge to live a healthier lifestyle and we have 6 months to hit our targets we have set for ourselves, people can win a $1000. I am in no way trying to win the $1000 because I did not make leaps and bound commitments for the next 6 months. We had 4 categories which were nutrition/eating well, manage stress, exercise/fitness, and endurance athlete. I selected 3 categories which were nutrition/eating well, manage stress, and exercise/fitness. Here is what I wrote I wanted to do over the next 6 months.
My goal is to just be active and begin the process to get into shape. I will play my Kinect doing the Zumba exercise at least 3 times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes. This will also mean that I will incorporate better eating habits, meaning portion control and having water in my diet, starting out with 33 ounces of water and working to 66 by the end of the 6 months. I will strive to lose 20 pounds with these minor changes. With these targets it will help reduce my stress because it will allow me to think of myself so that in the end I can be better for others.
We will have 4 checks and the last one is in March so two months before my birthday. I am saying this will not be my official start date because I have plans that will start this off all wrong. I want to start new next week with this; this challenge is to start of little. Many of my peers have signed up and they made their own goals. My best friend knows I signed up, shoot I sent her the email that says she should sign up too. She doesn’t know what my goals are but I told her the categories I did. I am sitting here thinking what is going to make this different, you say this all the time and nothing changes. Your post the other day was about talk is cheap, this again is cheap talk. I am really hoping and what I need to be doing is praying that this is not yet again cheap talk.
Ok Y’all wish me luck and if you pray, pray that I lift myself up and support myself like I do in other aspects in my life. I can do this and it is ok for the journey to be slow and long!!

I am attaching my profile pic I loaded for the work challenge; I don’t have a measuring tape at work so I don’t have my measurements but we will be able to see if there is any difference over the next 6 months. Plus here is to more blog post!

They say Talk is Cheap (written 10/2/12)

So…. I decided to get on the scale on Monday just to see how terrible the damage is that I have done with not eating right or any exercise. I am proud I did not turn into an emotional ball when I got on and then back off the scale. Well you may be wondering well heffa what is the number you saw. The number was 293.2. I went to look at 6/17th and saw my weight then was 288.8 so I have gained 5lbs truly, so I told myself not to bad right. The more the day went on I kept reminding myself girl that s only 6.8lbs away from 300. NO I have not done any more exercise besides those days I went walking with my best friend in the gym at work. I must say it was really nice to spend just a little time with her. Who knew friendships were so crucial. I miss my FB ladies and actually being on MFP although I haven’t had the courage go back just yet out of pure shame!! Then yesterday I made a post on my regular FB and it was totally about a man that drives me crazy and had a conversation with a friend from high school about it and somehow it turned into working out and losing weight. Weird it was needed but it was snuck up on me and I felt a little bit refreshed when we finished talking. The first step is just making small changes like just working out for 30 minutes every day. I mean do things that are fun so it isn’t a workout like for me it’s Zumba and just dancing. I stood in line for hours to get a Kinect and I need to play it, I really like it. I know I know you are saying if you like it so much why are you not playing, that is the million dollar question; there is the excuse of being tired and school right? Well here is the kicker I check my FB every morning and one of the first post I see clearly as I open my eyes is this: If you really want it, you will work for it and when you do you will have it! Talk is cheap, stick to what you say you’re going to do and do it for once! After a while excuses get old…my opinion! J Stay strong! So it was posted by a woman that runs a boot camp from her home and I went one time with my best friend and almost died. I felt a stick in my heart when I read that this morning because I felt she was talking to me and only me. Talk is cheap I keep saying I want to be able to shop in the smaller stores, I keep saying I want people to look at me and see a good looking woman, etc. Granted I am not fit for any boot camp and for sure not ready to go to one. Like I said try explaining that to your friends when all they say is that you are making excuses, it’s not excuses but I have limitations at this point. What struck a chord with me is that yes I will not be running any marathons, running 5Ks, or doing a boot camp class. I can though stop the cheap talk and walk, dance with my dance central game, Zumba I have the game, attempt to do a sit up, or cut back on the portions. I don’t have to go all crazy lady and throw all my food out of the pantry and stop eating bread, pasta, or sugar cold turkey. I can say it is ok that I am fat and that it is ok that it may take me 6 months to lose like 30lbs or even 3 months to lose 10lbs. Then the day just gets better, this afternoon I log onto FB and for some reason I see a post from my cousin saying FB stop changing how we few pictures, so that prompted me to go to my photos to see what she was talking about. I didn’t see anything different but decided to look through the photos I was tagged in. I found a high school picture (I was “fat” then too well according to high school standards because this girl was not a 2 or a 6) and I was sitting in a chair and my legs were actually crossed. What?!! I can’t remember the last time I had my legs crossed like knee over knee type stuff. Then that had me think about this past weekend shopping and the struggle have putting on socks and shoes because my belly and breast all in the way. Ugh
It all starts with a step and the important part is that I keep trying! I am going to keep trying, I am not ready to completely give up on myself, I have proven what was said on FB this morning about getting my associates and now I am working on my bachelors, so I can do things like walk the walk. Now let’s do this for me like getting my degree.

Slow Return

have been gone awhile and I have no excuse as to why. I have to answer to myself on why I haven’t stayed on track to make myself a better person. I know a part of my struggle is why will losing weight make me a better person, am I not a good person, a good woman? I know people try to convince me that people don’t treat me differently because I am a big girl, but I know that is not the truth, but then again are they right so why should I lose the weight?
Now let me stop tripping and be honest with myself. I walked in to work this morning and I can see my reflection in the windows and I tell you all I could focus on was my duck waddle walk and the belly that is sticking out like an 8 month pregnant woman. I am 36, single and fat. I wish I could say I was a proud fat woman but as you know that is a lie. I would be happier if I didn’t have a muffin top no if I didn’t have the pregnant belly. So many other things are stable in my life like work and home and I even managed to graduate with my Associate’s degree, but I can’t seem to tackle losing this weight and getting the 1st 20 then the next so forth and so on. My goals have been to look at it as 10lbs each time. I couldn’t even get the ten pounds.
Now looking back at last week I actually got on the treadmill three days last week for 30mintues walking and nothing fast because my hips and knees begin to hurt. I started walking at a 1.8 speed so that I could read these articles for school (working on my bachelor’s now). I tell you that felt great to be able to read what I needed while on the treadmill, I thought no excuse now stay at work another 30 minutes daily to exercise and read homework would be fantastic. My excuse before is when I get off work, commute home, I have homework to do so to take another 30 minutes from my night that is quickly approaching midnight to exercise seemed cruel to me. The sad thing is I can’t read my actual text book on my phone so I am bummed and I haven’t tried printing pages and reading while on the treadmill although I can see me getting lost in the text the more I read down, instead of being able to scroll it up for me to view better. I even went to an Aerial Yoga class, which was totally my idea after hearing about it on the Hello Style YouTube Channel the series Big Girl in a Skinny World. When I tell you it was crazy and embarrassing but fun all at the same time. I was embarrassed because every step of the way I needed help, I couldn’t swing my leg over the hammock, and I could lift my leg high enough behind me to put in the hammock and the list goes on. I think at this time I am to unfit and too big to be fooling with aerial yoga. I can’t say I will never do it again because it was a challenge that wasn’t way over the top for me.
I haven’t been eating right that is for sure.

****Alert*** of the emotional eater I am starts here. On Tuesday 9/25 I was up late on FB after trying to do some reading for school and someone posted a video from YouTube titled Fat women are Nasty!! The people commenting were all in arms and upset over the video and had some very colorful things to say about this video. I should have took heed to the comments and not hit play to see what all the talk was about because I knew by the title and the things that were people said. No I wanted to punish myself who was feeling vulnerable already. I sat and watched a video that lasted I think 8 minutes of a man rant on and on about how Nasty fat women were and then even read comments left on the video that it was not hate, but a fact that fat women ARE nasty. I had no words after seeing the video instead I closed the video and locked my phone and curled up in the covers and almost cried. You ever be in such a mood that you are too tired/too hurt to actually let the tears fall? That was me, the following day I stopped at the store got lemon meringue pie and ice cream and while at work I ate chocolate chip cookies and cake. As I took bites of each of these things I thought of the video and thought no I am not nasty, I do respect myself, and there is something beautiful about me, right? I couldn’t even provide myself with an answer all I could do was say well obviously you don’t care right because you have eaten nothing but sugar today. I did find a comfort, warmth, and a betrayal in all the things I ate that day.
You would think this would light a fire under me to stop eating that a video was saying how a fat woman was nasty, that I was reliving the fact that I couldn’t lift my leg up and over in a hammock to straddle it from the position I was in, that walking at 2.5 to 2.8 on a treadmill is fast for me, that I look like I having a child, that I waddle like a duck and I have gotten so big that I may even resemble a drag queen. Nope none of that has stopped me from eating. It doesn’t help that TOM arrived and chocolate is my friend.
I need prayer, a therapist, I need something. I miss that I was starting to look a bit better last year with the belly going down.

Interesting night 8/28/2011

Well you know I have been gone a while and I really need to stop disappearing even if I am failing. I get discouraged because I feel like who wants to read about someone always failing. I mean come on now. Anyway win or lose I have to stick to this blog stuff for myself.
Last night proved to be very interesting when I go home. I receive a test from my best friend asking me not wanting her to be my Myfitnesspal friend. It all started back with the following text:
Awhile back you made a statement about losing weight like “maybe I’ll do something and not tell anyone.” Now I’m on myfitnesspal and Ana is on myfitnesspal we may have gotten in your way. Want us to not be your friend on there?
Ok so that took me through a loop and I started thinking and scrambling when did I tell her that, oh no did she get wind of my blog before I was ready to share. The blog and my FB group is the only place I have mentioned not wanting to tell anyone about trying to make a lifestyle change. I go into straight panic mode. I start thinking man do I tell her I am kicking off my friend list? Then I thought does that make any sense you haven’t been on there in like 2 or 3 months now. Then I thought when you get back on the horse are you going to speak with the freedom you have in the past? Well to make the long story short I told her Ana was not my friend on myfitnesspal and that I was fine she was my friend on myfitnesspal and I haven’t been using in a while. That when I return I will explain to the ladies what’s going on and that I would return sometime soon. I also explained I may say some things on there she may not understand. She said that was fair.
That is why she is my best friend because she has always been there for me and she doesn’t judge me. I think that is what I find the most important in our friendship she doesn’t judge me at all. She is understanding and her talking to me about the MFP last night proved it and her understanding I may have needed to have that on my own and she would not intrude. I have to admit that I feel better about her not knowing about the blog right now. Right now the blog and the FB group is just mine another avenue for me to talk and speak freely but with people I think truly understands this big girls struggle. By no means do I say she doesn’t have her own struggles since she is trying to lose a few pounds as well but I think people tend to grasp the feeling of the girl that is more than 250lbs. How we feel when we are in a workout setting, when we sit at a booth, when we want to do something but just right now it is a bit much for us. Instead of being told making excuses, no commitment, if something is done a certain way we will fail.
It was all sort of out of the blue to me and seemed triggered but she says because seems like haven’t been on since she became my MFP friend. I have been thinking about this journey and ALL the failures I have had. I have thought about how do I get back on and how do I turn these failures into success. I am ashamed to say that I joined the walk a mile a day challenge and was only able to complete the 1st week and not a full 7 days but a work week. I also joined the group to say one thing positive about yourself daily and I couldn’t even come up with that. Every day I would think of something but I would find the reason as to why it was not positive but weak and or stupid.
I have started to think that this is part of the issue or the issue this deep sense of not being worthy to be admired or appreciated by others. This almost well maybe I should stand tall and believe that as a big girl people don’t treat you differently, that clothes makers make beautiful affordable clothes for you. Yea that was a nice dream but people do treat big girls differently and clothes makers feel an affordable outfit for a plus girl is what $100 to $150 for one item. People say things like she is pretty for a big girl, that outfit does slim you down. We are not treated equally and am I being a martyr and saying oh no you will treat me the same, but I know it is a losing battle. In this venture it is better to conform. Well not really I want to conform and I want to conform for my own selfish reasons. I want to wear pinup clothing, I want to look hot in lingerie, I don’t want to look like I am 6 months pregnant , and just maybe my back will hurt less and my feet wouldn’t be in pain all the time. Whatever It is I have to figure this out I feel like time is running out.

Fighting or just full of crap!

At this moment 2:30pm I am fighting the extremely strong urge to eat chocolate chip cookies. I am work and I am working a late shift so I am hungry right now which is usually my lunch time at this point. I go to the cafeteria (mind you I brought lunch or I guess what we will call dinner when it will be time to eat) and my mind was saying cookies, you know you want cookies. I thought no I am going to get fries (not a good choice but cheaper than there small salad that is just lettuce) and I got a cup of watermelon. I was hoping the watermelon would stop the sweet crave and a bottle of water. The watermelon is not doing it but I am still eating it and praying please let the cookie crave stop.
I need to stop eating the sugar and I HAVE to get off the couch or rather computer chair or bed to do some exercise. I am in my last class to complete my Associates which finishes on Sunday. I am excited about that but I can’t make that an excuse. I didn’t weigh in last week because I want to stick to weighing in, in the mornings on Sunday. The Sunday before I got up and left the house to get my daughter and had coffee on the way to pick her up. No way was I going to weigh in, in the afternoon. I did get back on my weigh in schedule this past Sunday and of course the news was terrible. Of course it was a weight gain and no I am not really surprised, I gained 3.4lbs. I finally got on my weight loss group page on FB and then almost came to tears. Tears you may ask why, well the ladies were posting side by side pics of their success and it was wonderful but so terrible for me because I was right back to asking myself why can’t you get it together!! Now let’s put icing on the cake I did cry this morning after watching a YouTube Video. It was a video response from one of the ladies in my weight loss group and what got me all chocked up and made me cry was about when you are FED UP and backed into a corner. I cried because I keep saying I am tired but is the problem I haven’t become FED UP and backed into a corner yet? The other part was her speaking of all the things she was struggling with and she didn’t want to say on her tomb she died young at the time she was in her 20’s. I am not in my 20’s but at my age I struggle with the same things, climbing stairs part of my body that just hurt for no reason and I have even had episodes of unexplained swelling and pain in my foot, hand (my hand actually cramped in and couldn’t stretch out), the other day my side of my face got swollen at my laugh line.
I tell the people I work with all the time to use their resources and there are no excuses. Why do I not use my resources? I have the biggest loser as a Kinect Video game, also the DVD with a book that can help me. I have Zumba on Kinect as well and both Dance Central one and two. There is a trail in my subdivision too. This past Sunday I was invited to walk with a group of girls as they like to call it there 5k Sunday walk. I didn’t make that because it was 7:45 in the morning meet up and I didn’t get to bed till like 6am which meant a 30 minute sleep to make sure dressed and there for the walk. I did put on my calendar for next week though because I have to go!!
The cookie craving has died down some. I am drinking my water after this watermelon and fries which was about an hour and a half ago that I had the watermelon and fries. I am thinking I will wait till 5 or 5:30 to heat up my dinner. Then after that I have no choice I can’t eat again because the café will be closed and I am here till 9pm.

Babble and weigh in

Well of course it is Sunday night and I should be writing a paper for school but instead I am trying to distract myself, so I figure let me write on my blog. I always crack myself up when I go back and read a post and find all the spelling errors and such. I am like people who read this may think that I am stupid for real LOL. Then I think it would be just easier silly to make videos right, um not for me because I am not thick skin enough for the crap that people say when they watch videos on YouTube. People can be so cruel!!  Anyway I need to be talking about weight loss and all the AMAZING things I did this week to achieve a goal, well I did not do one damn amazing thing, not a one!  I will tell you for about 3 days out of this week I felt like I was suffering from a stint of depression. I think the feeling really struck me on Friday when someone delivered me some news I really didn’t want to hear.  In the grand scheme of things I shouldn’t be surprised by this person but I tell you they have a profound effect on me whether it is good or bad is a question that I can’t seem to answer for myself. The funny thing is maybe I can and just don’t want to LOL that is a whole other story. The other things is I am tired of doing the same thing at work, I don’t want to get into what I do or anything but I do the same thing for 6 weeks at a time with 25 people at a time and it has taken its toll on me.  I am also getting a little anxious about school finally being over, well the 1^st part of it. It has been a super long road; I have had the longest Associate degree in history if you ask me. I admire all the women who held down two and three jobs, taking care of their kids alone and handling their business. I have one job and a single mom and I struggled and took forever to get this education. Amazing when we make work a priority trying to take care of the family, but somehow lose ourselves as a priority.  It amazes me what people think of me or assume what I am and even better I have been called selfish a time or two.  I can’t imagine being selfish because I can’t really remember putting myself first. My daughter things I don’t put her first although I have to admit work has been a top priority and then her as the next. My reasoning for that is that if I don’t have a job how can I provide for her because when she was born we weren’t going to get any help from her dad. Now that she is a teenager and he is in her life, I can’t really say anything has changed expect the court makes him pay. Yet again that is another story about that man, you know what it is not he not worth writing about in my opinion.  SO…. Let’s move on to what you really came to read about.

I did get on the scale today because I weigh in once a week regardless if I have lifted a finger, a toe , or a leg to get moving. The only thing I can say I worked this week was my hand holding the fork putting it in my mouth. I will say I did do better with my eating choices; I can’t lie and say I ate well every day. I ate Burger King on Friday; I had at least one cookie 3 days out of this week. There is no blame game here TOM is here and I tell you helps me make excuses for myself.  I have to stop it and I have to figure out what the problem is and why I keep sabotaging myself. Don’t I deserve to be smaller in size; I don’t want to say skinny because Lord knows I don’t want to be skinny. I want a D cup bra; I want to wear size 10 jeans but at this point in my life I think a size 14 pants would make me sexy! Sometimes I am afraid of the woman I would become at a smaller size because I truly feel like deep down there is a totally different woman living. She lives each day, I think I am afraid she will be reckless and I can’t be reckless I am a mother I have a daughter to raise although she is 16. Maybe I am like if I do lose this weight will I be like the men in their 40’s and 50’s and have a mid-life crisis. Ok enough rambling I got on the scale and I think the damn thing is not working right. I mean I have seen on my FB group page women that have said their scale has been faulty. My scale says I weighed in at 287.4 which is 1.6lbs in weight loss. WTH!! I mean did you see what I said I had this week and TOM is here and I didn’t do any exercise. I will say that I have been putting my songs on in the morning now on the ride to work again and I basically dance in the car on the way to work but I kind of do this suck in my stomach in and out as I drive in my commute to work so a lazy ass ab workout I guess.  Today I actually got out of the bed and left the house to the usual place the grocery store because yesterday I was knee deep in self pity, I stayed in bed all day.  I laid in bed all day and even thought of a friend that said I want you to go and have a good weekend, why don’t you go dancing since you always posting how you love it. I remember my response was well you know all I do is work and homework, my best friend is with her man on the weekend, my other friend is out of town and seems like it’s just me, so I will do what I do best nothing.

I praying for myself having to encourage myself to say the only person that can make this happen is you! How can you expect something more if you are not putting in the work?  I have to remember I am not that girl that just opens her eyes and people fall over to give to her, that I am that girl that has to try and most of the time twice as hard as everyone else seems like.

The game plan this week is to walk away from the chocolate chip cookies this week to have none at all. The other game plan is to turn on the kinect and get my Zumba on or at least my Dance Central and do some Massive Attack or something!! The other game plan is to get out of this funk I am in. Praying for what has my heart heavy to lift and that I need more then signs but I need some things to be just laid out plain and simple. I don’t do well with hints and beating around the bush. The other thing is to get out of bed if I wake up 15-20 minutes before the alarm and do something maybe that is when I should turn on the kinect and dance I don’t know haven’t figured it out, I figure I should make good use of the time besides lying in bed. I will say it may not work tomorrow since it is now 10:46pm and I haven’t even begun to write my paper so you know I will be in bed like midnight or 1am. The crap I do to myself, this self inflicted drama!! Aye you thing at this age I would learn my lesson although I am just not really getting into a school and work routine.

Night everyone, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading me babble on. 1.6lbs down and like 99 to go!  I have 99 problems but a pound ain’t one LOL

Shaking my head for real!!

I promised I would return today regardless if I had good news or not. So I should be so ashamed to say that I have gained 2lbs so my weigh in today was 289. I want to blame that TOM is on the way and for some reason this month I have had some serious pre-PMS symptoms. I have had the tender nipples, the craving for sugar, the mood is an “I don’t give a rat’s A$$”.  Can I say bloating but nah I am still about a 4 days out so I can’t say bloating. The eating has been disastrous the lemon meringue that I have had a serious craving for, then what did I do today I bought another lemon meringue pie.

Now it gets worse because let me tell you how I must hate myself. While eating dinner my friends tell me that Extreme Makeover- Weight loss addition is on. They are telling me how the girl is 20 and that she is a very big girl. When I finish dinner I decide let me see this show, so when I tune in I missed like the first like 40 minutes so I didn’t know her starting weight right off.  Well this woman weighed 323lbs so the more the show went on I started to say damn she looks really big. I started looking down at my body and was like I am not that big, granted by no means I am not in denial about my weight. Then I started to think damn she is lucky her belly fat is lower belly fat and not this upper belly fat that I have which is a serious muffin top. How having lower belly fat you can hide it in a way in your pants push it down but the muffin top has no aid what so ever unless you wore jeans that fit under your breast bone. Yes I know that is crazy talk and I should be beat the hell down for thinking it but I am honest. I then started to focus on her starting weight which is only 34lbs heavier than me. I mean damn, I am a lemon meringue and burger away to weighing that much. My mom was like we need to pinky swear and get on this weight loss. We going to show your friends you can do it too (for her she has to loss it because of her cancer risk to return and being watched for possible diabetes). She said obviously we haven’t hit rock bottom because we still eat bread and have had dessert a few times this week. Did I pinky swear? I did not, instead my response was we have lemon meringue in the fridge and we are not eating the whole thing tonight so we can’t start this tomorrow. My mom’s response was I didn’t mean tomorrow but no more pie no more bread.  What the hell is wrong with me!!  I went into that kitchen when that show was over and cut the lemon pie and enjoyed it like it was a man holding you tenderly.

I have support from my mom so that is not an excuse; the support from my friends may not be the kind that works for me but it is support rooted in the right place. I know boot camp is not for me at this stage and weight in my life. I hated the feeling of well you don’t want it bad enough because boot camp isn’t being done. I have two games I know for sure I just love and can’t seem to find that strength to turn on the damn game console and get my dance on! I love dancing so what is keeping me from the thing I enjoy because I know I am not going to be out in any club dancing because my raggedy tail isn’t brave enough to go out dancing alone, how sad would I look.  You know the fat girl alone in the club and the looks (I feel I would get) from people who are like ugh, eww, makes sense she is here alone no friends no man, she should have stayed home. I can’t dance my any means either but I love to wiggle the fat and side step with the best of them LOL. I even put on a sports bra and pants and Zumba in the house since I would never no matter how hot it is out be in a sports bra with no shirt.

I am my own worst enemy!!  I have to get it together lord please help me, you ever feel so desperate and down that you can’t seem to find you way up. I have fallen so many times and I am trying to get back up, but I am like on my knees trying to get off the floor and my hands on the couch struggling to get my fat ass off the floor. What a mess!! I am going to get off the floor though I am! My mom is right we, I need to show everyone I can be good looking too. I can show my uncle that I don’t have to always have to be fat. I know there are health risks for me since my mother had cancer (in remission right now), family history with medical issues.  I am not even going to lie and say I am doing it for health; I want to shop in the “regular” people store. I want to see if losing weight will really make a difference in my foot issue I am having or will allow me to wear heels. I want to buy a night gown that makes you look sexy, not feel sexy but LOOK sexy!! I want to see if really by losing the weight my back won’t hurt so because of these heavy ass breasts; so they should reduce in size as well. I want to stop hearing from other larger women that I dress nice (most of the time) for a big girl. I guess they figure I should be wearing a moo-moo or pants with the dreaded elastic waist or the cotton Capri jeans (you know the Wal-Mart old women pants)

Getting off this floor is so hard. I can’t wait to write that I made it to the couch and I can’t even see when I can right that I am off the couch and running around the living room.  This all means starting again, being on the couch means exercising and have lost 30lbs or more and the running around the living room meaning I have lost the over 100lbs I have to lose.  Must remember 10bls to lose 10 times and the first thing is to lose the 10lbs at least 3 times I think for me to really get it together and not stop!!