Now let me stop tripping and be honest with myself. I walked in to work this morning and I can see my reflection in the windows and I tell you all I could focus on was my duck waddle walk and the belly that is sticking out like an 8 month pregnant woman. I am 36, single and fat. I wish I could say I was a proud fat woman but as you know that is a lie. I would be happier if I didn’t have a muffin top no if I didn’t have the pregnant belly. So many other things are stable in my life like work and home and I even managed to graduate with my Associate’s degree, but I can’t seem to tackle losing this weight and getting the 1st 20 then the next so forth and so on. My goals have been to look at it as 10lbs each time. I couldn’t even get the ten pounds.
Now looking back at last week I actually got on the treadmill three days last week for 30mintues walking and nothing fast because my hips and knees begin to hurt. I started walking at a 1.8 speed so that I could read these articles for school (working on my bachelor’s now). I tell you that felt great to be able to read what I needed while on the treadmill, I thought no excuse now stay at work another 30 minutes daily to exercise and read homework would be fantastic. My excuse before is when I get off work, commute home, I have homework to do so to take another 30 minutes from my night that is quickly approaching midnight to exercise seemed cruel to me. The sad thing is I can’t read my actual text book on my phone so I am bummed and I haven’t tried printing pages and reading while on the treadmill although I can see me getting lost in the text the more I read down, instead of being able to scroll it up for me to view better. I even went to an Aerial Yoga class, which was totally my idea after hearing about it on the Hello Style YouTube Channel the series Big Girl in a Skinny World. When I tell you it was crazy and embarrassing but fun all at the same time. I was embarrassed because every step of the way I needed help, I couldn’t swing my leg over the hammock, and I could lift my leg high enough behind me to put in the hammock and the list goes on. I think at this time I am to unfit and too big to be fooling with aerial yoga. I can’t say I will never do it again because it was a challenge that wasn’t way over the top for me.
I haven’t been eating right that is for sure.
****Alert*** of the emotional eater I am starts here. On Tuesday 9/25 I was up late on FB after trying to do some reading for school and someone posted a video from YouTube titled Fat women are Nasty!! The people commenting were all in arms and upset over the video and had some very colorful things to say about this video. I should have took heed to the comments and not hit play to see what all the talk was about because I knew by the title and the things that were people said. No I wanted to punish myself who was feeling vulnerable already. I sat and watched a video that lasted I think 8 minutes of a man rant on and on about how Nasty fat women were and then even read comments left on the video that it was not hate, but a fact that fat women ARE nasty. I had no words after seeing the video instead I closed the video and locked my phone and curled up in the covers and almost cried. You ever be in such a mood that you are too tired/too hurt to actually let the tears fall? That was me, the following day I stopped at the store got lemon meringue pie and ice cream and while at work I ate chocolate chip cookies and cake. As I took bites of each of these things I thought of the video and thought no I am not nasty, I do respect myself, and there is something beautiful about me, right? I couldn’t even provide myself with an answer all I could do was say well obviously you don’t care right because you have eaten nothing but sugar today. I did find a comfort, warmth, and a betrayal in all the things I ate that day.
You would think this would light a fire under me to stop eating that a video was saying how a fat woman was nasty, that I was reliving the fact that I couldn’t lift my leg up and over in a hammock to straddle it from the position I was in, that walking at 2.5 to 2.8 on a treadmill is fast for me, that I look like I having a child, that I waddle like a duck and I have gotten so big that I may even resemble a drag queen. Nope none of that has stopped me from eating. It doesn’t help that TOM arrived and chocolate is my friend.
I need prayer, a therapist, I need something. I miss that I was starting to look a bit better last year with the belly going down.
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