I haven’t blogged in awhile and for minute there I thought
ah who cares no one reads your blog anyway or gives a rats ass what you have to
say. LOL I then had to remember it doesn’t matter if no one cares what I am
thinking or how I am feeling this is being done for me. I want to blog, it was
a desire of mines and I have to stand up for myself and support myself and do
something for me. I have learned a little more about myself, I support everyone
in the things they desire, what they do and I can’t seem to do that for myself.
I watched a video about people always going to be haters and I thought I guess
people think that of me that I am a hater. I am not a hater I am just
frustrated. I support everyone, I feel like I lift them up and all I see around
me is others making progress and I am at a standstill in every aspect of my
life. My career is not going anywhere, but I am thankful I have a job, my love
life Shit that doesn’t even exit and my weight loss well let’s say it is barely
moving.
I had a 25 year boy reach out to me on BP (Black Planet) the
other day mind you I have been on that thing for many years. I looked at the
picture and I was always fat but I wasn’t the beast I am today. Then I had to
laugh at what I wrote on my profile page.
This is what it said:
Um, what can I say about myself. I am sweet and
simply divine :) I have great friends and a great job. I love music and I love
to laugh. I listen to all kinds of music you can call me a radio head. I like
to hit the streets from time to time to shake a little somethin' somethin'. I
have been told that i am dark chocolate, with a sexy smile, fiery eyes, thick,
wet soft looking lips, hips that won't quit, but I will let you be the judge of
that. Friends love that I am a great listener and I don't have time to judge.
Now I will admit at first I am a little shy, but when I open up you never know
what you will get. LOL
What a joke lol. I have no idea what I was thinking in
2007 but I obviously thought someone wanted my tail. Now this 25 year old
sending me messages, when I got the message I was like what, how in the world.
Then I read my profile and just laughed and I am like um this says sure I will
lay down with you. I am sure this boy thinks nice older woman and by the
profile she is ready to give up that ass! Needless to say I was amused and felt
good for all of 5 minutes about the simple and non-disrespectful message he
sent. Then I felt the need to be honest and let it be known I don’t look that
any longer and that when I wrote it I was obviously feeling myself. My best friend said to change the pics on the
BP profile and update what it says. I am like I am too exhausted to update
photos and write who I am now because it is like one gives a shit in the first place;
it will just be easier to remove it from BP. I will give it a week just to see
if he responds if not then it will be taken down.
I guess that profile and seeing me from 2007 just made
it even more evident of the truth I saw in another video a woman made about how
men treat her differently since losing a 100lbs. As a large woman in my
experience they don’t want me, they are wanting the woman that is just grateful
someone wants to touch her big ass. They don’t take you places, keep up with
you, get you a damn thing, but always on time when they need to relieve some
tension. Then the other ones that
approach me on-line are men from Ghana who all want to get to the states, they
don’t know I am a broke ass single mother and have no desire to pay to bring a
man to the states to say I have one and for him to leave after a year or two
anyway.
I have to believe that there are men that love a big
woman for all that she is not just for being that person they visit in the
dark. I say this because almost half of the women on my FB weightloss group are
married and or have boyfriends. Then I chuckle maybe not because you are fat
girl but just because you are not worth it to anyone else. Yea Yea I know then
the how can you expect someone to love you when you do not love yourself. I
have been loving myself for a long time and I am now just tired. I am tired of
coming home to only my teenage daughter; don’t get me wrong love her but it is
not the same as having a companion. If this was the case then everyone would be
single right because they wouldn’t need that connection other than the one they
have with their friends, family, or children, right? I don’t get phone calls thinking of you, text
messages asking how is your day going, flowers on the kitchen table when I get
home, weekend get-a-ways, some to cry on other than my family or best friend. I
have to slow that crap down as well. I
can’t bother people with my sorry stuff because I become the misery in their
life and I think I have become that in my best friend life and for the past two
weeks I keep hearing something another friend said about a set of friends she
had. She said sometimes people grow apart and that is just how it is, people
out grow each other. I think that my
bestie has out grown me and she and our other friend are more alike, the
eating, the exercise, and the guys. I am so happy for her but sad that as I watch
her with our other friend and her boyfriend, I don’t see where I fit. Then I think I am a grown ass woman seriously
get over that shit and be happy she has always been an excellent friend to you
even if you have always been the emotional friend. If she outgrows you then she
outgrows you, you are use to that happening. The only thing is at my age I
still haven’t figured out how do I end the cycle of people always outgrowing me
and leaving me behind. Life I tell you is short and I can’t take so long to
learn these lessons.
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