Post for March 14 (yea- a day late wrote and didn't post it)

Well I started this journey Sunday and I have not done well.L I can’t believe I am actually writing this down since I do not talk about my actual weight numbers to anyone. My weigh was on Sunday so that I could know how bad the damage is. The scale showed that I weighted 294lbs and I got very misty eyed. I was only 1lb less than I was a year ago Jan 19^th. I was able to drop my weight to 275 and gained it all back; I tell you the feeling of failure was so deep when I stepped off the scale. I didn’t get my measurements done yet; I need to get someone to take them for me. So I wanted to do go and almost felt like I needed to starve that desperate need to break down and cry and be angry at myself. I have eaten more fruit this week, but I still had a soda and ate a shrimp poboy and Texas Road house this week. I will say that the poboy sandwich was pretty large so my mom and I ordered the sandwich and had them split it for us. At Texas Roadhouse had a bone in ribeye (20z) that had Portobello mushrooms with baked potato, butter and bacon bits. I didn’t eat the entire thing I had half and saved the other half for lunch today at work. As far as drinking, I haven’t been drinking enough water; I actually had an Armadillo punch drink at Roadhouse (alcohol) . Losing weight is more than just saying no to food but learning how to say yes to it and still lose the weight and also fight with the demons you may have that keep you saying yes to the food. The other day I had a co-worker post on FB how she went from a size 16 to a size 6 in the past 9 months and I have watched her just disappear little by little. I started to think when she started to disappear was when the job had changed in a great way, so I was a little worried from the stand point that the stress was so great that she was losing weight. Then I was upset with myself for being so weak that when I am stressed I eat and I eat desserts the most, such an emotional eater and they way I look I have been emotional almost my entire life. I had the self conversation of “Why can’t you stop eating” , “Why must you eat cookies and cake”, “Why do you LOVE food, when you know your body is not made to love food and try new interesting and not good for you dishes”, “Why are you not normal and eat less or stop eating when you stress?” Well I had no answers for any of these questions I was asking myself instead I had to say, “I don’t know why and I don’t have answers but lets find out what she did and maybe we can do it too”. I sent her a FB message and said I was curious what she did because I HAVE to lose weight. She did respond and said I did the basics – I cut soda out, I cut sugar out, didn’t eat bread or pasta.  So you think I would be like YAY let’s do this!! No instead I was like what I can’t eat anything then. I couldn’t wrap my head around all the I cut this, I cut that and thing you can’t have this or that and I know myself the more you tell me NO I want it (food anyway).  I went to bed thinking ok woman, take what she said and find a way to do something about it anything!! So I decided what I said from the start I won’t say NO completely but I will have to say NO from time to time and also when I say yes to say yes to less!!