What a week

I tell you it has been a very rough first week on trying to do the right thing. I was terrible with exercise thank goodness for the San Antonio day full of walking. Like I was saying I was not expecting anything from the scale because of how I ate for the week. Can you believe I lost 1lb!! I am happy about it although when I saw 1lb lost I was in shock then to sadness, but back to being happy. I posted my loss on my FB group page and I tell you the support I have there is AMAZING!! They really celebrate all success no matter how small. I guess I am use to doing that for other people and I don’t feel I get that really in return. I felt guilty as well for not telling my best friend about my choice to start this journey again or that I even lost a pound. I know she will celebrate with me because she has been a rock for me and my craziness since we have been friends!! She is a person who has accepted me as myself and knows when to give me the look of -you know that is BS!! I am going to wait though till I lose some more weight maybe when I hit my first 10lbs or after we come back from Vegas about my journey. I am have to figure out how not to be so tired from work and school to get my exercise on. Plus I have to say that I had 7 glasses of water yesterday!! Woot Woot I am getting better! It has become a race to the finish with water seems in a day I can do two bottles which is 4 cups of water (I am not even drinking anything else) so I see that I am done with two bottles I will force another bottle even two depending on how late to get the water in. LOL

Now on to something that really caught my attention on my FB group page. There was a post about being afraid to lose weight and that as a overweight person it was like a security blanket and how it kept you from doing things. I tell you I read that and was like I have thought of the same thing or asked myself rather why are you afraid to shed the pounds? Last year when I did this journey with my friends I lost 20lbs it took forever to lose it but I did and my stomach went down so clothes in that area fit a bit better not what I wanted by no means but better then the mess it was. I haven’t been able to answer I think completely why I am or was afraid to lose the weight, meaning the weight was coming off so why stop? I have to be honest with myself a part of me was upset that I wasn’t dropping the inches like they were or the pounds. Yes I was excited to be able to fit a plus size dress in Old Navy but sad that my friend was no longer in plus the plus section so every win I had, it seemed there win was bigger. I guess I wanted to be on the same field to be able for us to jump together form the plus size store, to the misses side of the store and have to exchange pants like 2 weeks later. Now I know I wasn’t doing boot camp like them or eating like them so of course their results are different but I always felt like when we exercised together I was keeping them back. Like I was the bothersome way younger sibling you are forced to be around by your parents. I think one of my most major fears is that I would be a different person a person I am not sure I want to meet. Weird huh? I have this thought in my mind I lose the weight I will become a Royal B…..!! I think I am afraid that I would be spiteful for all the people who wouldn’t give me the time of day because I was a large woman, that wanted to treat me lesser than a person because I was a large woman. I would become this woman that you can’t tell me nothing!! I do not want to be spiteful or mean. I do not want to become a “man” in my approach to relationships because of how I was treated or lack of treatment because of my size. I am also a mother so I know I have to have some sort of decorum about myself although all I can think of some times is how scandalous can I dress when the weight comes off! Will I be the woman that checks the mail in the shorts so short they look like panties? I don’t want to be that woman either (I do just a little though) I want to feel sexy but have the sexy under control I am a woman in her thirties not in her teens. Maybe that is what is an issue I wasn’t like that as a teen and when I lost a bunch of weight my senior year, I graduated and thought I was grown starting having sex and bam pregnant and fat all over again! I pray to stay ground on this journey to not lose who I am at my core (I have to believe that I am not that ugly person at my core).