Babble and weigh in

Well of course it is Sunday night and I should be writing a paper for school but instead I am trying to distract myself, so I figure let me write on my blog. I always crack myself up when I go back and read a post and find all the spelling errors and such. I am like people who read this may think that I am stupid for real LOL. Then I think it would be just easier silly to make videos right, um not for me because I am not thick skin enough for the crap that people say when they watch videos on YouTube. People can be so cruel!!  Anyway I need to be talking about weight loss and all the AMAZING things I did this week to achieve a goal, well I did not do one damn amazing thing, not a one!  I will tell you for about 3 days out of this week I felt like I was suffering from a stint of depression. I think the feeling really struck me on Friday when someone delivered me some news I really didn’t want to hear.  In the grand scheme of things I shouldn’t be surprised by this person but I tell you they have a profound effect on me whether it is good or bad is a question that I can’t seem to answer for myself. The funny thing is maybe I can and just don’t want to LOL that is a whole other story. The other things is I am tired of doing the same thing at work, I don’t want to get into what I do or anything but I do the same thing for 6 weeks at a time with 25 people at a time and it has taken its toll on me.  I am also getting a little anxious about school finally being over, well the 1^st part of it. It has been a super long road; I have had the longest Associate degree in history if you ask me. I admire all the women who held down two and three jobs, taking care of their kids alone and handling their business. I have one job and a single mom and I struggled and took forever to get this education. Amazing when we make work a priority trying to take care of the family, but somehow lose ourselves as a priority.  It amazes me what people think of me or assume what I am and even better I have been called selfish a time or two.  I can’t imagine being selfish because I can’t really remember putting myself first. My daughter things I don’t put her first although I have to admit work has been a top priority and then her as the next. My reasoning for that is that if I don’t have a job how can I provide for her because when she was born we weren’t going to get any help from her dad. Now that she is a teenager and he is in her life, I can’t really say anything has changed expect the court makes him pay. Yet again that is another story about that man, you know what it is not he not worth writing about in my opinion.  SO…. Let’s move on to what you really came to read about.

I did get on the scale today because I weigh in once a week regardless if I have lifted a finger, a toe , or a leg to get moving. The only thing I can say I worked this week was my hand holding the fork putting it in my mouth. I will say I did do better with my eating choices; I can’t lie and say I ate well every day. I ate Burger King on Friday; I had at least one cookie 3 days out of this week. There is no blame game here TOM is here and I tell you helps me make excuses for myself.  I have to stop it and I have to figure out what the problem is and why I keep sabotaging myself. Don’t I deserve to be smaller in size; I don’t want to say skinny because Lord knows I don’t want to be skinny. I want a D cup bra; I want to wear size 10 jeans but at this point in my life I think a size 14 pants would make me sexy! Sometimes I am afraid of the woman I would become at a smaller size because I truly feel like deep down there is a totally different woman living. She lives each day, I think I am afraid she will be reckless and I can’t be reckless I am a mother I have a daughter to raise although she is 16. Maybe I am like if I do lose this weight will I be like the men in their 40’s and 50’s and have a mid-life crisis. Ok enough rambling I got on the scale and I think the damn thing is not working right. I mean I have seen on my FB group page women that have said their scale has been faulty. My scale says I weighed in at 287.4 which is 1.6lbs in weight loss. WTH!! I mean did you see what I said I had this week and TOM is here and I didn’t do any exercise. I will say that I have been putting my songs on in the morning now on the ride to work again and I basically dance in the car on the way to work but I kind of do this suck in my stomach in and out as I drive in my commute to work so a lazy ass ab workout I guess.  Today I actually got out of the bed and left the house to the usual place the grocery store because yesterday I was knee deep in self pity, I stayed in bed all day.  I laid in bed all day and even thought of a friend that said I want you to go and have a good weekend, why don’t you go dancing since you always posting how you love it. I remember my response was well you know all I do is work and homework, my best friend is with her man on the weekend, my other friend is out of town and seems like it’s just me, so I will do what I do best nothing.

I praying for myself having to encourage myself to say the only person that can make this happen is you! How can you expect something more if you are not putting in the work?  I have to remember I am not that girl that just opens her eyes and people fall over to give to her, that I am that girl that has to try and most of the time twice as hard as everyone else seems like.

The game plan this week is to walk away from the chocolate chip cookies this week to have none at all. The other game plan is to turn on the kinect and get my Zumba on or at least my Dance Central and do some Massive Attack or something!! The other game plan is to get out of this funk I am in. Praying for what has my heart heavy to lift and that I need more then signs but I need some things to be just laid out plain and simple. I don’t do well with hints and beating around the bush. The other thing is to get out of bed if I wake up 15-20 minutes before the alarm and do something maybe that is when I should turn on the kinect and dance I don’t know haven’t figured it out, I figure I should make good use of the time besides lying in bed. I will say it may not work tomorrow since it is now 10:46pm and I haven’t even begun to write my paper so you know I will be in bed like midnight or 1am. The crap I do to myself, this self inflicted drama!! Aye you thing at this age I would learn my lesson although I am just not really getting into a school and work routine.

Night everyone, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading me babble on. 1.6lbs down and like 99 to go!  I have 99 problems but a pound ain’t one LOL