Shaking my head for real!!

I promised I would return today regardless if I had good news or not. So I should be so ashamed to say that I have gained 2lbs so my weigh in today was 289. I want to blame that TOM is on the way and for some reason this month I have had some serious pre-PMS symptoms. I have had the tender nipples, the craving for sugar, the mood is an “I don’t give a rat’s A$$”.  Can I say bloating but nah I am still about a 4 days out so I can’t say bloating. The eating has been disastrous the lemon meringue that I have had a serious craving for, then what did I do today I bought another lemon meringue pie.

Now it gets worse because let me tell you how I must hate myself. While eating dinner my friends tell me that Extreme Makeover- Weight loss addition is on. They are telling me how the girl is 20 and that she is a very big girl. When I finish dinner I decide let me see this show, so when I tune in I missed like the first like 40 minutes so I didn’t know her starting weight right off.  Well this woman weighed 323lbs so the more the show went on I started to say damn she looks really big. I started looking down at my body and was like I am not that big, granted by no means I am not in denial about my weight. Then I started to think damn she is lucky her belly fat is lower belly fat and not this upper belly fat that I have which is a serious muffin top. How having lower belly fat you can hide it in a way in your pants push it down but the muffin top has no aid what so ever unless you wore jeans that fit under your breast bone. Yes I know that is crazy talk and I should be beat the hell down for thinking it but I am honest. I then started to focus on her starting weight which is only 34lbs heavier than me. I mean damn, I am a lemon meringue and burger away to weighing that much. My mom was like we need to pinky swear and get on this weight loss. We going to show your friends you can do it too (for her she has to loss it because of her cancer risk to return and being watched for possible diabetes). She said obviously we haven’t hit rock bottom because we still eat bread and have had dessert a few times this week. Did I pinky swear? I did not, instead my response was we have lemon meringue in the fridge and we are not eating the whole thing tonight so we can’t start this tomorrow. My mom’s response was I didn’t mean tomorrow but no more pie no more bread.  What the hell is wrong with me!!  I went into that kitchen when that show was over and cut the lemon pie and enjoyed it like it was a man holding you tenderly.

I have support from my mom so that is not an excuse; the support from my friends may not be the kind that works for me but it is support rooted in the right place. I know boot camp is not for me at this stage and weight in my life. I hated the feeling of well you don’t want it bad enough because boot camp isn’t being done. I have two games I know for sure I just love and can’t seem to find that strength to turn on the damn game console and get my dance on! I love dancing so what is keeping me from the thing I enjoy because I know I am not going to be out in any club dancing because my raggedy tail isn’t brave enough to go out dancing alone, how sad would I look.  You know the fat girl alone in the club and the looks (I feel I would get) from people who are like ugh, eww, makes sense she is here alone no friends no man, she should have stayed home. I can’t dance my any means either but I love to wiggle the fat and side step with the best of them LOL. I even put on a sports bra and pants and Zumba in the house since I would never no matter how hot it is out be in a sports bra with no shirt.

I am my own worst enemy!!  I have to get it together lord please help me, you ever feel so desperate and down that you can’t seem to find you way up. I have fallen so many times and I am trying to get back up, but I am like on my knees trying to get off the floor and my hands on the couch struggling to get my fat ass off the floor. What a mess!! I am going to get off the floor though I am! My mom is right we, I need to show everyone I can be good looking too. I can show my uncle that I don’t have to always have to be fat. I know there are health risks for me since my mother had cancer (in remission right now), family history with medical issues.  I am not even going to lie and say I am doing it for health; I want to shop in the “regular” people store. I want to see if losing weight will really make a difference in my foot issue I am having or will allow me to wear heels. I want to buy a night gown that makes you look sexy, not feel sexy but LOOK sexy!! I want to see if really by losing the weight my back won’t hurt so because of these heavy ass breasts; so they should reduce in size as well. I want to stop hearing from other larger women that I dress nice (most of the time) for a big girl. I guess they figure I should be wearing a moo-moo or pants with the dreaded elastic waist or the cotton Capri jeans (you know the Wal-Mart old women pants)

Getting off this floor is so hard. I can’t wait to write that I made it to the couch and I can’t even see when I can right that I am off the couch and running around the living room.  This all means starting again, being on the couch means exercising and have lost 30lbs or more and the running around the living room meaning I have lost the over 100lbs I have to lose.  Must remember 10bls to lose 10 times and the first thing is to lose the 10lbs at least 3 times I think for me to really get it together and not stop!!